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Point/Counterpoint

Cats Are Better Than Dogs

I've always been a fan of felines. As far as pets go, you can't beat them! I have three myself, and I couldn't adore them more. I don't care what...

Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars vs. Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy

Dearest Sally, I can no longer hide what I've been feeling since the day you borrowed my pen at Kampus Koffee. If I don't let my emotions out, I'll burst with the sheer intensity of longing to be by your side. All day, every day, I think of nothing but you. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, to the bottom of the deepest sea, or live with you at the top of the highest mountain. You are everything to me, and without you, I am just an insignificant speck in an uncaring universe. Say you'll be mine, and I'll give you the clouds, the sun, the rain, the sky—I will give you the whole world.

Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

Hug me! I am so cute and furry! I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy!

I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?

I spend a lot of time sitting around, hoping that something will drop out of the sky and make my life better. I talk about it all the time. My friends have heard me say it, my family has heard me say it, and my ex-girlfriends have heard me say it. I really believe I deserve more than what I have, but whenever I think about how hard it is to turn things around, I end up feeling so hopeless. I'm stuck in a rut, but what can I do about it?

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People

The global balance of power has changed dramatically in the last two decades. In the past, great armies and great industrial capabilities were needed to threaten strong nations. Now, shadowy networks of individuals can cause great suffering for the cost of a homemade explosive. To effectively counter this new threat, we must make use of every tool in our arsenal—military power, homeland defense, law enforcement, intelligence, and short-range helicopter-mounted missiles to pick off elderly, wheelchair-bound terrorists one at a time.

Pete's An Asshole vs. Aw, C'mon, Pete's An All-Right Guy

Look, man, I know that he's your friend and all, and I guess you've known him for a long time, so I hope you don't get too pissed off at me about this, but I think your friend Pete is a total asshole. Seriously, why you even put up with that guy is beyond me.

No Blood For Oil vs. Exactly How Much Oil Are We Talking About?

Contrary to what he would have you believe, President Bush's plans to invade Iraq have nothing to do with such high-minded goals as liberating the Iraqi people or saving the world from terrorism. His "principled" stand is actually just a thinly veiled attempt to gain control of the oil-rich Middle East at the cost of human lives. It is time for the people of the United States to rise up and say, "No blood for oil!"

My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch

About a month ago, I got a new computer here at my reception desk at the dentist's office, and, boy, does that thing have it in for me! I am not kidding. When it sees me coming, I swear, it must be all like, "Oh, goody, here comes Vicki... time to go on the fritz!" I mean, my computer seriously hates me!

Life Begins At Conception vs. Life Begins At 40!

Life begins at the moment of conception. To say otherwise is not only to deny the word of God, but to defy science. An abortion takes the life of a living person, whether the procedure occurs in the first week of pregnancy or the last.

U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately

It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income, it can tell me how fast to drive, it can kill killers and anyone else it thinks it must to preserve a free and civil society. But my body—the skin, bones and organs that comprise me—is where the line gets drawn.

It's All About The Benjamins vs. Actually, The Benjamins Are Only A Small Part Of A Larger Set of Concerns

Yo, who y'all think you be foolin' tryna act all hard and shit? I ain't tryna hear you talkin' 'bout how you be all this and that. Y'all wanna be ballers, shot-callers and brawlers? Y'all wanna be a jigga nigga like my man Jay-Z? Then peep this, 'cause I'm-a school you right here and now 'bout the facts of life. Lemme break it down for you one time, straight up. This here's the real deal: Talk don't mean shit, 'cause in this world, ain't nothin' matter but the cheddar, baby. Yeah, that's right, it's like my man Puff Daddy say: It's all about the Benjamins, my man. Believe that.

It Was Then That I Carried You vs. Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints

One night, Jim, you had a dream. You dreamed you were walking along the beach with Me. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene, you noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to you, and the other to Me. When the last scene of your life flashed before you, you looked back at the footprints in the sand. You noticed that many times along the path of your life there was only one set of footprints. You also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in your life. This bothered you, and you questioned Me about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." I replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
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The Republican Party Cannot Stand By And Let Obamacare Destroy This Country vs. Help Me

The Republican Party Cannot Stand By And Let Obamacare Destroy This Country

My fellow Americans, as I write this, the United States government is experiencing its first shutdown in 17 years. Democrats are quick to place blame on the Republican Party, and have accused us of taking this country hostage. President Obama has said our attempt to fund the government by defunding Obamacare is an attempt to extract a ransom solely for doing our jobs. He’s likened some members of our party to right-wing fanatics.

But let’s talk about Obamacare.

Three years ago, President Barack Obama passed a disastrous piece of legislation called the Affordable Care Act. He jammed this jobs-killing, deficit-increasing monstrosity through Congress, purely along party lines. And in 2010 the American people spoke loud and clear and elected a new wave of young Republicans to the House, which rejuvenated our party and allowed us to once again become the majority. This fresh crop of eager Republicans was elected to stop this president’s reckless spending and repeal Obamacare.

The American people sent us a clear message: Keep the government out of our health care and save this country.

And that’s what myself and my Republican colleagues are determined to do. Let me be clear: This is President Barack Obama’s government shutdown. This president consistently refuses to negotiate with Republicans about a piece of legislation that is confusing, drastically unpopular with the American people, and poisonous to our way of life.

Instead of coming to the table with Republicans, the president would rather talk to Vladimir Putin or the new president of Iran. Instead of improving the livelihoods of the American people, he would rather resort to name-calling. Instead of having a dialogue, he would rather call members of my party extremists and children and say they are on an ideological crusade. Instead of respecting my viewpoint, he would rather question my leadership and say the tail is wagging the dog.

Is this what people want from their president?

In the past two days, the Republicans in the House have passed numerous bills that would fund the government and get America’s health care system back on the right track. But each bill we pass has been rejected by the president and the Senate without so much as a debate. It seems like the Republican Party and our “team of extremists” are the only ones in Washington actually working to help the American people and get us out of this mess. If the president wishes to end this government shutdown that he created, then he must come to his senses and recognize that the public has spoken and Obamacare must go.

Help Me

Help me. Please, God, help me. I’ve lost control and I need help.

The far right members of my party are insane. I don’t know what they’re thinking, and I don’t want to know because it would be too horrifying. I’ve tried to explain it to them over and over and they don’t listen to me. They don’t listen to anybody. I say to them, nobody wants a government shutdown, Obamacare is the law of the land, the president was reelected and elections have consequences, and we are only in charge of one branch of government.

I say all of that and they just look at me with these cold, dead eyes. Christ, It’s chilling.

Look, these people scare me. They scare all of us. Have you heard them talk? They’re animals, these people. There are only 30 or 40 of them and we outnumber them, but they have so much power, you see? They could end me like that. And they wouldn’t feel a thing because these people do not feel. They are out for blood: my blood, the president’s blood, the blood of any American who doesn’t agree with them.

I hate them. I hate all of them. And yet I also fear them.

I want to admit something: I’ve cried in my office every day for the last month. During this shutdown I’ve sat there, panicked and alone, scared to death about the next thing they’ll make me do. When they knock on my door, my heart stops. What are they going to make me say next? How are they going to force me to embarrass myself next? Did you know I was once known as a relatively moderate, shrewd politician? That was before 2010. Before the horror began.

They haunt my dreams at night. I have this one nightmare where I’m about to ask for a vote on a clean continuing resolution and then one of them—I think it’s Steve King from Iowa—looks at me with this eerie smile and says, “No, John. No you won’t.” And then the rest of them are suddenly standing behind him and they all chant in a chilling monotone, “No, John. No you won’t.” And then I wake up screaming, “No, John!!! No you won’t!!!” and I’m crying, and my wife is crying, and I’ve sweat through my sheets.

Help me. Help me make this end. Don’t reelect these people. Reelect good, normal people and I promise I’ll be a good speaker from now on. I won’t lie down for the president by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ll work with him if it makes sense and I’ll fight him when it makes sense. That’s how it should be. That’s how it will be if you help me destroy this menace.

I know I helped create this monster, and I apologize. I am so, so sorry. I thought I could control it, but I was wrong. I just need your help to defeat it. Will somebody please help me? Please? Please? Anyone?

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

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