"You better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again." – Herman Cain

"If you somehow gather the mental wherewithal to collect 30 UPC labels and mail them to our promotions department, we'll send you an Old ...

"I'm rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me. That doesn't make me a bully. That just makes me better than most ...

"But don't you fret, America. If you ever feel like your government is getting too big or too intrusive, just give a little whistle ...

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business." - Peter "Buck ...

"For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come along and somehow find a way to ...

"In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines." - Dr.

"If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound emotional problems back into a ...

"To have my belly repeatedly whacked is no less than the resounding declaration of my very humanity." - Joshua Bishop

"There is no use squandering any more of our valuable time and money on the myth that every child is capable of attaining success and ...

"For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living." - Jack ...

"Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking him repeatedly ...

"In the last one, they flipped over a semi and blew up an entire hospital, so don't tell me they can't use a ...

"We've basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards." Education Secretary Arne Duncan

"Think about it: You're a United States citizen who has to live with the decision to elect Barack Obama every single day, a decision ...

"We're excited we made contact with this advanced form of life, but it's clear they're pretty big jerks." - NASA

"I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things ...

"I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of ...

"Seriously, it is so freakin' weird. At first, you don't even think it's a potato, but after you look at it for a ...