adBlockCheck

Sports News

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

55-Year-Old Guy Dominating YMCA Pickup Basketball Game

CINCINNATI—Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gym’s evening pickup basketball game.

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless

‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

NEW YORK—Saying that nobody deserves to endure such an atrocious fate, doctors at Mount Sinai Medical Center announced at a press conference Tuesday that they had diagnosed cancer with stage IV Skip Bayless. Surgical oncologist Dr. Andrew Bergman co...

Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Packing away the turf, goalposts, and scoreboards into colorful wooden wagons, Super Bowl roustabouts dismantled MetLife Stadium Monday and left town in a convoy of 40 horse-drawn vehicles. “There was great commotion when w...

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Earl Thomas

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Richard Sherman

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Marshawn Lynch

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Russell Wilson

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Pete Carroll

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Terrance Knighton

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Champ Bailey

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Wes Welker

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Peyton Manning

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

John Fox

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 
End Of Section
  • More News

WWE Announces WrestleMania 33 Theme Will Be Springtime In Paris

STAMFORD, CT—In an effort to bring the City of Light to Orlando’s Camping World Stadium, WWE officials announced Friday that this weekend’s WrestleMania 33 will be themed “Springtime in Paris.”

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, dressed in a Breton striped shirt and velvet beret, told a gathering of reporters that Sunday evening’s pay-per-view professional wrestling event would be a celebration of the timeless beauty of the Parisian terraces and boulevards in April. McMahon confirmed that the match card would feature the Raw Universal Championship and the Smackdown WWE Championship set in a magnificent sea of pastels teeming with the scent of cherry blossoms in full bloom.

“Come Sunday, all eyes will be on the WWE as we bring you a night of blood, sweat, and Parisian charm,” said McMahon, adding that the flagship event would transport its 100,000 spectators to the banks of the River Seine as they take in more than 13 matches, including a Fatal 4-Way elimination. “This will be an unforgettable event packed with some of the baddest men and women in all of professional wrestling surrounded by the grand splendor of the French capital.”

“It will be simply the most magnificent evening in the history of the WWE,” added McMahon.

According to the design plans released by the WWE, the event boasts a specially designed ring with turnbuckles hung from Eiffel Tower replicas and a canvas mat painted with Claude Monet’s Water Lily Pond. Sources also confirmed that the organization had constructed a 20-foot-tall Notre Dame Cathedral on the arena floor to begin each wrestling match with the ringing from its bell tower.

WWE officials confirmed hundreds of flowers have been flown in directly from Paris to line the aisles of the arena and that special vendors throughout the concourses would provide fresh baguettes and glasses of Cabernet to the audience. McMahon also said he was personally excited about seeing Orlando’s Camping World Stadium illuminated by the beautiful warm glow of hundreds of cast-iron gas lamps installed for the evening.

The chairman also teased that viewers will not want to miss what Triple H might do to Seth Rollins with any of the candlelit bistro tables and chairs encircling the ring.

“Tomorrow night I am going to unleash all hell on Kevin Owens, and there will be nowhere in the arena’s hedge maze where he can hide,” said wrestler Chris Jericho, adding that, in a tribute to the haute cuisine of Paris, he has been developing a move known as the Cheese Wheel. “This will be an ass-whooping not seen since the French Revolution.”

McMahon also hinted that the event would be even more spectacular than WrestleMania 17: The Great Gatsby, when a record-setting number of viewers tuned in to watch Stone Cold Steve Austin, clad in pearls and a feather headband, defeat The Rock by slamming the WWE champion over the back with an upright bass.

Noting the immense budget required for this year’s performance, WWE officials told reporters that the entire evening is even expected to surpass the cost of the 2008 event, which required the construction of a 30-foot wooden ship to host the two dozen nightgown-clad Battle Royal participants of WrestleMania 24: Finding Neverland.

The WWE chairman, who promised that WrestleMania 33 would deliver several surprise guests and unexpected twists, refused to either confirm or deny rumors that Cesaro and Sheamus would ride a tandem bike through a replica of the Arc de Triomphe and down an elm-tree-lined Champs-Élysées ramp to enter the Raw Tag Team Championship match.

McMahon also declined to elaborate after mentioning that the participants of the Battle Royal might be joined by “The Hunchback.”

Qui vivra verra,” said McMahon.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close