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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

55-Year-Old Guy Dominating YMCA Pickup Basketball Game

CINCINNATI—Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gym’s evening pickup basketball game.

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless

‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

NEW YORK—Saying that nobody deserves to endure such an atrocious fate, doctors at Mount Sinai Medical Center announced at a press conference Tuesday that they had diagnosed cancer with stage IV Skip Bayless. Surgical oncologist Dr. Andrew Bergman co...

Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Packing away the turf, goalposts, and scoreboards into colorful wooden wagons, Super Bowl roustabouts dismantled MetLife Stadium Monday and left town in a convoy of 40 horse-drawn vehicles. “There was great commotion when w...

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Earl Thomas

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Richard Sherman

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Marshawn Lynch

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Russell Wilson

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Pete Carroll

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Terrance Knighton

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Champ Bailey

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Wes Welker

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Peyton Manning

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

John Fox

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 
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Area Man Totally Screwing Up Order Of Snack Consumption During Super Bowl Party

FORT DODGE, IA—Growing increasingly annoyed at his lack of foresight, area man Erick Simmons reportedly chastised himself Sunday for totally screwing up the order of his snack consumption during a Super Bowl LI party. “Shit, I just finished a cupcake, and now I’m supposed to start eating spicy wings?” said Simmons, lamenting that he had completely botched his refreshment progression by consuming a large quantity of pita chips before the host brought out the spinach artichoke dip. “I never would’ve filled up on pigs in a blanket if I knew there was pizza coming. Although some of this is [host] Carl [Donovan]’s fault—why would you put out the football-shaped cookies before nachos? Ugh, I never should have munched on the nut mix for the entire first quarter with all these much better snacks still to come. I messed up big time.” At press time, Simmons expressed frustration that he was “way too stuffed” to finish his third beer.

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Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

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