Sports News In Brief

Dwight Howard Tells Reporters He's Very Unhappy In Milky Way Galaxy

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.16.12 | Sports News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—Following another tough loss for the Magic Tuesday, Dwight Howard informed reporters he is very unhappy playing in the Milky Way, the galaxy where he has spent his entire life and career, and is looking to be moved as soon as possible. more»

Every Team, Fan Base, Front Office Panicking

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.14.12 | Sports News in Brief

With the regular season either finally underway or almost over, the playoffs beginning, and preparations for the draft about to wrap up, every individual associated with a professional North American sports team in any way entered a deep state of panic th... more»

Toronto Raptors Think Of Really Good Comeback 10 Minutes After Losing Game

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.13.12 | Sports News in Brief

TORONTO—Despite losing their home matchup against Philadelphia 75-93 Wednesday, the Toronto Raptors told reporters later they had an easy path to a victory, but their "really good" idea for a comeback only came to them 10 minutes afte... more»

Yankees Blame Slow Start On It Being A 162-Game Season So Calm The Fuck Down

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.12.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—After losing their first three games and needing extra innings to beat the lowly Baltimore Orioles, the 3-3 New York Yankees addressed the fears of their fans Thursday by saying they were still slated to play more than 150 games this season... more»

NFL: Overtime Games To Be Decided By First Team To Do Something Really Fucking Awesome

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.09.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—The NFL announced Monday that its owners have voted to change the league's regular-season overtime rules, which now stipulate that games will be decided by whichever team is the first to make a really fucking awesome play. more»

NCAA Investigators Bust Into John Calipari's Office To Find He's Already Skipped Town

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.07.12 | Sports News in Brief

LEXINGTON, KY—As part of an investigation into possible rules violations, NCAA officials visited Kentucky's basketball facility following its championship win this week, but found no trace of notorious head coach John Calipari, whose messy office ap... more»

Awesome T-Shirt Cannon Party Interrupted By Nashville Predators Game

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—A rousing T-shirt cannon party at Nashville’s Bridgestone Arena was repeatedly marred by men coming out to play hockey Thursday, despite jeers and pleading from the crowd. more»

Ryan Leaf Somehow Worse At Crime Than Football

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.05.12 | Sports News in Brief

HELENA, MT—Criminal and football analysts announced Monday that, in light of his second arrest for felony burglary in just four days, former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf is now officially performing even worse as a criminal than he did as a disastrous ... more»

Manny Ramirez Trying To Train Birds To Carry His Pop Fly Balls Over Fence

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.03.12 | Sports News in Brief

OAKLAND, CA—In an apparent attempt to keep himself relevant this season after a year off and a 50-game suspension to come, Manny Ramirez told reporters at an Oakland A's workout Monday he has been hard at work trying to teach birds how to snatch fly... more»

Totally Predictable Ending To Wild NCAA Tournament Prepares Student-Athletes For The Rest Of Their Miserable, Ho-Hum Lives

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.03.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW ORLEANS—After the usual exciting upsets, Cinderella stories, and unlikely triumphs that make up the NCAA men's college basketball tournament every March, No. more»

Miami Marlins Construction Crew Completely Unaware They've Been Building Baseball Stadium

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.02.12 | Sports News in Brief

MIAMI—Speaking with reporters while putting the finishing touches on Miami's new stadium Saturday, construction workers at Marlins Park admitted they had no idea what the structure would be used for, despite having built baseball stadiums in the pas... more»

Jets Worry Tim Tebow Will Be Distracted By Wild New York Churchlife

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.01.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Despite an obvious display of enthusiasm for Tim Tebow's arrival at his introductory press conference Monday, the New York Jets admitted this week to concerns he may become distracted by the city's wild churchlife. more»

Death Of Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar Introduces Thousands To Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar

ISSUE 48•14 | 03.30.12 | Sports News in Brief

MOUNT KISCO, NY—Bert Sugar, the prolific and colorful boxing writer whose smart-aleck yet genuine enthusiasm for boxing allowed him to straddle the line between critic and fan, gained thousands of new fans this week by dying of cardiac arrest at age... more»

MLB Investigates Why Joba Chamberlain Is Allowed To Have A Son

ISSUE 48•14 | 03.29.12 | Sports News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old son, Karter, Major League Baseball announced Thursday it had launched an investigation ... more»

NFL Panics When Only 17 Prospects Declare For Draft

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.26.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Monday that the 2012 player draft, originally scheduled to begin April 26, may have to be rescheduled or restructured, as only 17 college prospects have declared thus far. more»

Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.24.12 | Sports News in Brief

LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big game tonight, used his final timeout to draw up his patented "Off-Balance We... more»

Charles Barkley Repeatedly Commends Ohio University's Hunger

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.23.12 | Sports News in Brief

ATLANTA—In a special segment of Tuesday's edition of NBA Live dedicated to the NCAA Sweet 16, analyst Charles Barkley praised the "hunger, appetite for the game, and taste for a challenge" displayed by the underdogs of Ohio University. more»

Kentucky Going To Stick With Strategy Of Having Far-And-Away Better Athletes At Every Position

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.23.12 | Sports News in Brief

ATLANTA—In a press conference today regarding the Wildcats' Sweet 16 matchup, Kentucky coach John Calipari revealed to reporters he does not plan to switch up his strategy, which thus far has been to put in athletes who are much more gifted basketba... more»

Tim Tebow Absolutely Horrified After First Phone Conversation With Rex Ryan

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.22.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Confusion, disgust, and terror were among the emotions new Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reported feeling after a 20-minute phone call with New York coach Rex Ryan. more»

Dolphins Spend Entire Meeting With Alex Smith Venting About Free Agents They Couldn’t Sign

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

MIAMI—Quarterback Alex Smith’s meeting with the Miami Dolphins on Sunday was unproductive, sources confirmed, because team executives were on the verge of tears and unable to talk about anything except all the other free agents who have turned... more»

Panicked Redskins Send Another Couple First-Round Picks To St. Louis Just To Make Sure

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.20.12 | Sports News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Mere days after sending the St. Louis Rams three first-round picks and a second-round selection in exchange for the second pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins took steps to ensure they would be able to sign Heisman Trophy... more»

NHL Reluctantly Signs Deal With Hockey To Continue As Their Sport Through 2016

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Despite revenue, attendance figures, and viewing statistics showing it continues to lag behind as the least popular major sports league in the country, the NHL reluctantly completed a four-year, $20 million deal with hockey Tuesday to conti... more»

NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.18.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after all, it turns out," the National Football League thanked God that the issue of defensive players being paid... more»

Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.16.12 | Sports News in Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where they can no longer hear anything college basketball commentator Dick Vitale says. more»

Peyton Manning In Talks With Dolphins About Whether Miami Would Be A Good Place To Retire

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.15.12 | Sports News in Brief

MIAMI—Immediately following his eight-hour meeting Wednesday with the owners and coaches of the Tennessee Titans, star free-agent quarterback Peyton Manning initiated talks with the Dolphins over whether their host city would make a good retirement ... more»

Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.13.12 | Sports News in Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this week, telling any and all who will listen about his glory days in the league. more»

Black Sheep Of Earnhardt Family Dies In Public Transit Crash

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.12.12 | Sports News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Terrance Earnhardt, youngest son of the late NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt, died Friday when the light-rail Muni Metro train he was riding home from his oncology practice derailed, delivering one final embarrassment to the racing fa... more»

Spate Of Offseason Kicker Suicides Blamed On Trauma Of Getting Iced By Timeouts

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.11.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—A study released Friday concerning the four suicide deaths of NFL kickers in recent months suggests the players all exhibited signs of post-timeout stress disorder, a condition blamed on the "hellish psychological torture" of... more»

Indiana Either This Year's UConn, This Year's Arizona, 2010's Michigan State, Or A Combination Of 2003's Marquette And 1987's Providence

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.10.12 | Sports News in Brief

BLOOMINGTON, IN—As the Hoosiers enter the NCAA Tournament for the first time in four years, many commentators are speculating that the 2012 Indiana men's basketball team could be this year's UConn, or at least this year's Arizona, or potentially eve... more»

Floyd Mayweather, Jr. And Manny Pacquiao Urged To Put Aside Differences And Fight

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.08.12 | Sports News in Brief

LAS VEGAS—Despite pleas from their managers, handlers, and fans, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. and Manny Pacquiao are too consumed with anger toward each other to engage in fighting, sources close to the two boxers confirmed Thursday. more»