Sports News

Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Sports News

INDIANAPOLIS—Mere minutes after Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, he was congratulated in the locker room by his older brother, injury-ridden four-time NFL MVP Peyton, whose sadness at missing an entire season se... more»

Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sports News

DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu... more»

Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | Sports News

STATE COLLEGE, PA—As thousands of mourners gathered at Penn State's campus spiritual center Wednesday afternoon to say their farewells to Joe Paterno, former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky took the opportunity to express his "deep, everlasting ... more»

NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it would soon debut NBA Nights, an hour-long suspense serie... more»

Unpopular BCS Crowns Alabama National Champions, Endorses Rick Santorum, Spits On World War II Veteran, Pushes Elderly Woman Down Flight Of Stairs, Wishes Osama Bin Laden Were Still Alive

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.13.12 | Sports News

NEW ORLEANS—During a postgame ceremony Monday in which the Bowl Championship Series controversially awarded the Alabama Crimson Tide the 2012 NCAA championship trophy... more»

NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.07.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ball sucks, because the other team gains possession of the ball. "I was glad we only had to punt ... more»

New Commercial To Feature John McEnroe Saying 'You Cannot Be Serious'

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.09.11 | Sports News

NEW YORK—In an effort to emphasize the value of its offerings and enhance the visibility of its brand, electronics superstore TV America will run a new commercial that features former tennis great John McEnroe intoning his trademark phrase "You... more»

Allen Iverson: 'You Hear That, Everybody? We're Coming Back! All Of Us!'

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.01.11 | Sports News

PHILADELPHIA—Following the announcement Saturday that a deal had been reached to end the league-wide lockout, an exuberant Allen Iverson told reporters that every single NBA player, a group that "includes myself, obviously, because I am a curre... more»

NHL's Critics Find No Evidence That Penalty Box Reforms Players

ISSUE 47•48 | 11.18.11 | Sports News

TORONTO—After performing an in-depth 15-year study of professional hockey penalties, penalization practices, and the behavior of penalized players, independent hockey-law reform group JustIce concluded this week that the NHL's use of the penalty box... more»

Sports Media Asks Molestation Victims What This Means For Joe Paterno's Legacy

ISSUE 47•45 | 11.10.11 | Sports News

STATE COLLEGE, PA—After former Penn State defensive coach Jerry Sandusky was charged Saturday with multiple counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, corruption of minors, indecent assault, and unlawful contact with minors, the national spor... more»

Conclusion Of MLB Season Fails To Tie Up Several Loose Ends

ISSUE 47•45 | 11.04.11 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Just weeks after Major League Baseball wrapped up its 2011 season with an unlikely championship run by the St. Louis Cardinals, baseball fans are reportedly confused and disappointed by the way dozens of storylines were left dangling. ... more»

Popular New DirecTV Package Offers Zero NHL Games

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports News

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Satellite broadcast provider DirecTV has been inundated with new subscribers following Monday's introduction of NHL ShutOut, a special new sports entertainment package that allows customers to miss 100 percent of National Hockey Leagu... more»

Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•42 | 10.21.11 | Sports News

WASHINGTON—After the little ones had finished up the last of their supper, moms had dashed out to get the last of the wash off the line before the sun set, and dads had quietly finished smoking their pipes behind the evening newspaper, eager citizen... more»

Sight Of Matt Millen On TV Simply Too Much For Nation’s Unemployed To Handle

ISSUE 47•42 | 10.14.11 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—The nation's 14 million unemployed persons experienced a combination of rage, disbelief, and near-suicidal depression after seeing former Lions CEO Matt Millen—long regarded as one of the most resoundingly incompetent failures in management history—working as a football analyst on Wednesday's SportsCenter. more»

Bill Belichick Forgets About Loss By Relaxing In Bathtub Filled With Warm Entrails

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•39 | 09.30.11 | Sports News

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to relieve the stress of the Patriots’ disappointing 31-34 loss to the Buffalo Bills, New England head coach Bill Belichick reportedly relaxed at home Sunday night by soaking in a bathtub filled with warm entrails. more»

God: Human Body Not Designed To Play Football

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•38 | 09.24.11 | Sports News

THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, made a statement Thursday in which He condemned the practice of human beings playing football, proclaiming He had never intended the body to suffer such punishment. more»

B.J. Upton Greeted By Teammates After Historic Circumnavigation Of Bases

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.16.11 | Sports News

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—With warm welcomes and loud exclamations of relief from his Rays teammates, Tampa Bay outfielder B.J. Upton was greeted at home plate Sunday after returning from a perilous, arduous circumnavigation of the Tropicana Field bases, a journey that ended at the very same spot it began. more»

Grown Men Inspired By Stupid Little Sign Hanging In Locker Room

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•36 | 09.09.11 | Sports News

ST. LOUIS—A group of fully grown men felt inspired Saturday by a stupid little sign hanging in a locker room and expressed their exhilaration by shouting, clapping their hands, and jumping around, baffled eyewitnesses confirmed. “It motivates ... more»

Lovie Smith Says Voices In Headset Keep Calling Him Idiot

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•36 | 09.02.11 | Sports News

CHICAGO—Harried, flinch-prone Bears head coach Lovie Smith said Thursday his biggest concern going into the 2011-2012 NFL season would be the constant presence of the cruel, derisive voices in his headset that keep calling him an idiot. "I had ... more»

Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•34 | 08.26.11 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—Basing his argument on an entirely meaningless preseason game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, a deranged idiot came to a completely fucking stupid conclusion Tuesday about the whole 2011 NFL season, sources confirmed. ... more»

Attractive, Diverse Peer Group Gathers For Popular Refreshments, High-Definition Sports Broadcast

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•34 | 08.19.11 | Sports News

UNITED STATES—A racially diverse group gathered in the living room of a stylish and well-appointed apartment earlier this week to enjoy various snack items, moderate amounts of low-calorie alcoholic beverages, and the company of other attractive you... more»

Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno

ISSUE 47•33 | 08.12.11 | Sports News

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Hospitalized after a receiver crashed into him on the field last Sunday, Joe Paterno’s return to practice Wednesday came as a vast relief to Penn State players, all of whom live in constant fear of being the one who inevitabl... more»

Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•32 | 08.05.11 | Sports News

CANTON, OH—In his fourth year of eligibility, eight-time Pro Bowler Cris Carter, who scored 130 receiving touchdowns on 1,101 receptions over the course of his career, finally entered the Hall of Fame on Thursday by paying $21 for a ticket. Carter w... more»

Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•30 | 07.29.11 | Sports News

WASHINGTON—Following the announcement Monday that NFL owners and players had reached a deal to end their 132-day labor dispute, Americans across the nation expressed their desire for some goddamn football already and acknowledged they didn’t g... more»

Manager, Pitcher Go Through Entire Bottle Of Wine During Really Great Mound Visit

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•30 | 07.22.11 | Sports News

MINNEAPOLIS—Cleveland Indians manager Manny Acta and pitcher Justin Masterson said they "shared a great baseball moment…a great human moment" while splitting a bottle of chilled white wine during an "exceptional" mound vis... more»

Nation To Always Remember Yao Ming’s 22-Point, 8-Rebound Game Against Milwaukee

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•29 | 07.15.11 | Sports News

HOUSTON—Since Yao Ming’s intention to retire from the NBA was first reported last Friday, basketball fans across the country have been reflecting on the player’s nine-year career, with nearly all of them agreeing the Rockets center will ... more»

Cleveland Pathetically Celebrates Greatest Sports Moment In City’s History

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.17.11 | Sports News

CLEVELAND—As the Dallas Mavericks sealed their NBA Finals victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, the citizens of Cleveland participated in a joyous, exuberant, and extremely pathetic celebration of their city's greatest-ever spor... more»

Stanley Cup Lauded For Work With Developmentally Disabled Trophies

ISSUE 47•24 | 06.10.11 | Sports News

NEW YORK—In recognition of its tremendous leadership and community work, the Stanley Cup was honored Wednesday for its dedication to helping developmentally disabled trophies. more»

Gruesome Home Plate Collision Reawakens Nation’s Love Affair With Baseball

ISSUE 47•22 | 06.03.11 | Sports News

SAN FRANCISCO—The people of the United States confirmed this week that seeing a horrific home plate collision fracture the left ankle and shred the ligaments of Giants catcher Buster Posey on May 25 provided exactly the spark they needed to renew th... more»

NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•21 | 05.27.11 | Sports News

CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR took direct and immediate action Wednesday in response to homophobic slurs made by driver Kyle Busch last weekend, levying an award of $50,000 to the popular Sprint Cup star. NASCAR spokesman Ramsey Poston said he had reviewed t... more»