Sports News

Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•34 | 08.26.11 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—Basing his argument on an entirely meaningless preseason game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, a deranged idiot came to a completely fucking stupid conclusion Tuesday about the whole 2011 NFL season, sources confirmed. ... more»

Attractive, Diverse Peer Group Gathers For Popular Refreshments, High-Definition Sports Broadcast

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•34 | 08.19.11 | Sports News

UNITED STATES—A racially diverse group gathered in the living room of a stylish and well-appointed apartment earlier this week to enjoy various snack items, moderate amounts of low-calorie alcoholic beverages, and the company of other attractive you... more»

Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno

ISSUE 47•33 | 08.12.11 | Sports News

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Hospitalized after a receiver crashed into him on the field last Sunday, Joe Paterno’s return to practice Wednesday came as a vast relief to Penn State players, all of whom live in constant fear of being the one who inevitabl... more»

Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•32 | 08.05.11 | Sports News

CANTON, OH—In his fourth year of eligibility, eight-time Pro Bowler Cris Carter, who scored 130 receiving touchdowns on 1,101 receptions over the course of his career, finally entered the Hall of Fame on Thursday by paying $21 for a ticket. Carter w... more»

Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•30 | 07.29.11 | Sports News

WASHINGTON—Following the announcement Monday that NFL owners and players had reached a deal to end their 132-day labor dispute, Americans across the nation expressed their desire for some goddamn football already and acknowledged they didn’t g... more»

Manager, Pitcher Go Through Entire Bottle Of Wine During Really Great Mound Visit

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•30 | 07.22.11 | Sports News

MINNEAPOLIS—Cleveland Indians manager Manny Acta and pitcher Justin Masterson said they "shared a great baseball moment…a great human moment" while splitting a bottle of chilled white wine during an "exceptional" mound vis... more»

Nation To Always Remember Yao Ming’s 22-Point, 8-Rebound Game Against Milwaukee

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•29 | 07.15.11 | Sports News

HOUSTON—Since Yao Ming’s intention to retire from the NBA was first reported last Friday, basketball fans across the country have been reflecting on the player’s nine-year career, with nearly all of them agreeing the Rockets center will ... more»

Cleveland Pathetically Celebrates Greatest Sports Moment In City’s History

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.17.11 | Sports News

CLEVELAND—As the Dallas Mavericks sealed their NBA Finals victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, the citizens of Cleveland participated in a joyous, exuberant, and extremely pathetic celebration of their city's greatest-ever spor... more»

Stanley Cup Lauded For Work With Developmentally Disabled Trophies

ISSUE 47•24 | 06.10.11 | Sports News

NEW YORK—In recognition of its tremendous leadership and community work, the Stanley Cup was honored Wednesday for its dedication to helping developmentally disabled trophies. more»

Gruesome Home Plate Collision Reawakens Nation’s Love Affair With Baseball

ISSUE 47•22 | 06.03.11 | Sports News

SAN FRANCISCO—The people of the United States confirmed this week that seeing a horrific home plate collision fracture the left ankle and shred the ligaments of Giants catcher Buster Posey on May 25 provided exactly the spark they needed to renew th... more»

NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•21 | 05.27.11 | Sports News

CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR took direct and immediate action Wednesday in response to homophobic slurs made by driver Kyle Busch last weekend, levying an award of $50,000 to the popular Sprint Cup star. NASCAR spokesman Ramsey Poston said he had reviewed t... more»

Mavericks: Winning Championship For Jason Kidd Not Really A Factor In Wanting NBA Title

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.20.11 | Sports News

DALLAS—Already one game up in the Western Conference Finals and within sight of the NBA title, the Dallas Mavericks confirmed Thursday they were not putting any special thought or effort into winning the championship for veteran point guard Jason Ki... more»

Justin Verlander Doesn’t Bother Telling Parents Difference Between No-Hitter And Perfect Game

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 47•19 | 05.13.11 | Sports News

DETROIT—Following a phone call home Monday, Tigers starting pitcher Justin Verlander said that he hadn’t even bothered to explain the difference between a no-hitter and a perfect game to his parents, claiming that going into the various detail... more»

NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•19 | 05.06.11 | Sports News

RICHMOND, VA —The Crown Royal 400 at Richmond International Raceway was cut short Saturday night as the entire field of drivers slowed to a halt on lap 244, shut off their engines, exited their cars, and walked off the track, saying that driving car... more»

18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•17 | 04.29.11 | Sports News

NEW YORK—A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing. The thing—which was sent into the air in a last-ditch attempt to score as time expired, and which went ... more»

David Ortiz Terrified After Hearing About Red Sox Bats Coming Alive

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.22.11 | Sports News

BOSTON—During last Sunday’s game against the Toronto Blue Jays, designated hitter David Ortiz was reportedly horrified by manager Terry Francona’s comment that the Red Sox’ bats were coming alive, which caused the panicked slugger ... more»

Last Pick Of WNBA Draft Earns Title Of Saddest Woman In America

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•15 | 04.15.11 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—With the 36th and final pick of the 2011 WNBA Draft, the Seattle Storm selected 6-foot-5 center and rebound specialist Krystal Thomas, thereby officially making her the saddest woman in the United States of America. more»

Thunderstorms Force PGA Organizers To Move Masters Indoors

ISSUE 47•14 | 04.08.11 | Sports News

AUGUSTA, GA—Severe thunderstorms in the Richmond County area forced organizers to move the first round of the 2011 Masters indoors to nearby John M. Tutt Middle School, tournament chairman Billy Payne announced Thursday. more»

Chicago Cubs Can't Believe They're Doing This Again

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•13 | 04.01.11 | Sports News

CHICAGO—Cubs players, coaches, and management expressed disbelief Thursday, questioning whether they were out of their minds for participating in another Major League Baseball season more»

Criminal Case Of 'USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds' Begins

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Sports News

SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giants outfielder who in 2007 capped his 22-year baseball career by becoming the MLB's all-time home run leader, arrived in Courtroom 10 of the Phillip Burton Federal Courthouse at 8 a.m. Monday to appear in Case No. 3:07-cr-00732-SI, USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds. more»

Office Pool's Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Sports News

COLUMBUS, OH—Employees at Take 5 Media said the smaller-than-usual stack of brackets printed out Wednesday for this year's NCAA basketball tournament served as a stark reminder of just how many workers have been laid off from the design firm over th... more»

BYU Students Protest Brandon Davies' Dismissal By Having Sex All Over Campus

ISSUE 47•10 | 03.11.11 | Sports News

PROVO, UT—In response to Brigham Young basketball player Brandon Davies' suspension from the Cougar squad for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, his fellow students have taken to their school's campus en masse, protesting the player's expulsion by engaging in flagrant public sex. more»

Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•09 | 03.04.11 | Sports News

TAMPA, FL—During a post-workout press conference at the Yankees spring training facility Thursday, shortstop Derek Jeter once again rejected the idea of moving from shortstop to center field, citing the fact that he's Derek fucking Jeter and he'll play whatever fucking position he wants. more»

Calgary Flames Trying To Keep Fact That They're A Hockey Team From Landlord

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•08 | 02.25.11 | Sports News

CALGARY—While the Flames stand at a modest 31-23-8 and are in 8th place in the Western Conference, team sources revealed this week that the team's main struggle this season has been tricking their landlord, Mr. Bennigan, into thinking they are not a professional hockey team and that no hockey is being played on the Scotiabank Saddledome premises. more»

Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube 'Big Babies'

ISSUE 47•07 | 02.18.11 | Sports News

BOSTON—Celtics shooting guard Ray Allen told reporters he made a terrifying discovery Wednesday, stumbling across a genetic research laboratory located deep beneath the TD Banknorth Garden and filled with thousands of test-tube "Big Baby" ... more»

Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Sports News

CLEVELAND—As part of an effort to help at-risk youths turn their lives around before it's too late, organizers of a local "scared-straight" program exposed a group of at-risk teens to the horrors of a Cleveland Cavaliers practice Wednesday... more»

Puppy Bowl Marred By Tragic Spinal Injury

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•05 | 02.06.11 | Sports News

SILVER SPRING, MD—Puppy Bowl VII, puppy football's biggest annual event, came to a complete standstill Sunday when Alvin, a 3-month-old schnauzer mix, suffered a freak spinal injury while chasing down a loose squeaky football. The injury, which occu... more»

Packers Fans

ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

STRENGTHS: Whatever muscles one uses to lift 340 pounds of lard out of bed each morning; unwilling to let work, family, religion, or even basic necessities like health and shelter stand in the way of their devotion to the Packers; best fans in the ... more»

Mike McCarthy

ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

STRENGTHS: Never-ending source of thrilling sound bites such as "We'll address that after the Super Bowl," "That's a nonissue for us," and "We're just here to play football"; known for wild offensive trickery such as t... more»

Clay Matthews

ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people WEAKNESSES: Sacks actually his second favorite statistic behind the obscure "Tackle... more»

Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game

Attractive, Diverse Peer Group Gathers For Popular Refreshments, High-Definition Sports Broadcast

Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno

Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer

Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement

Manager, Pitcher Go Through Entire Bottle Of Wine During Really Great Mound Visit

Nation To Always Remember Yao Ming’s 22-Point, 8-Rebound Game Against Milwaukee

Cleveland Pathetically Celebrates Greatest Sports Moment In City’s History

Stanley Cup Lauded For Work With Developmentally Disabled Trophies

Gruesome Home Plate Collision Reawakens Nation’s Love Affair With Baseball

NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments

Mavericks: Winning Championship For Jason Kidd Not Really A Factor In Wanting NBA Title

Justin Verlander Doesn’t Bother Telling Parents Difference Between No-Hitter And Perfect Game

NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises

18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing

David Ortiz Terrified After Hearing About Red Sox Bats Coming Alive

Last Pick Of WNBA Draft Earns Title Of Saddest Woman In America

Thunderstorms Force PGA Organizers To Move Masters Indoors

Chicago Cubs Can't Believe They're Doing This Again

Criminal Case Of 'USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds' Begins

Office Pool's Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year

BYU Students Protest Brandon Davies' Dismissal By Having Sex All Over Campus

Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter

Calgary Flames Trying To Keep Fact That They're A Hockey Team From Landlord

Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube 'Big Babies'

Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice

Puppy Bowl Marred By Tragic Spinal Injury

Packers Fans

Mike McCarthy

Clay Matthews

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U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan