$81.55 (-$1.45) (-1.75%) Investors are nervous after another six months have gone by without a single Pepsi being sold.

$12.48 (-$0.17) (-1.34%) According to analysts, Kirk Co. can capture substantial market share if the company could ever fully distinguish itself from ...

$37.71 (+$1.80) (+5.01%) Share prices jumped on the announcement that Lit'l Smokies will be the official smoked cocktail sausages of fun ...

$42.98 (+$0.83) (+1.97%) Investors responded positively to the company’s efforts to boost its line of healthy offerings by introducing new lines ...

$42.51 (+$1.36) (+3.30%) Attendees of the oil company’s annual shareholder meeting applauded after CEO Bob Dudley announced he doesn’t give ...

$24.38 (+$0.93) (+3.97%) The porn website continued to perform well this week due to it being a porn website.

$13.18 (+$1.03) (+8.48%) Investors cheered Bank of America’s latest decision to continue making obscene shitloads of money.

$36.02 (+$1.43) (+4.13%) Investors responded positively to the unveiling of Jack’s new head, which is 10 times larger and features terrifyingly ...

$181.17 (+$18.79) (11.57%) Stocks surged today after technologists at Panera Laboratories discovered a breakthrough process to fuse Tuscan with Asiago.

$34.41 (-$2.03) (-5.57%) Shares plummeted after CFO Timothy Sloan realized he forgot to compound everyone’s interest yesterday.

$72.12 (+$0.47) (0.66%) CEO Biff Tannen invested winnings from his correct Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl bet to further BiffCo’s dominance in ...

$19.82 (+$0.94) (+4.98%) Reports are coming in from Lancaster that some Tide got a big ol’ stain out of a shirt last ...

$31.21 (-$2.17) (-6.50%) The nut purveyor’s shares took a hit today after investors learned that Mr.

$21.20 (+$1.89) (+9.79%) Investors were pleased to hear news that Auntie Anne’s now owns every single retail space in Milwaukee’s ...

$2.23 (+$0.19) (+9.31%) Prices rose after a mysterious elevator accident took out three of the Five Guys.

$42.78 (+$1.13) (2.71%) Stock in the cracker-industry leader saw a bump after poor and unemployed citizens nationwide discovered how rewarding it was ...

$3.14 (+$0.50) (+18.94%) Share prices rose sharply when the owner brought his dog in.

$42.64 (-$2.28) (-5.08%) Shares in the Italian chain restaurant fell after a waiter failed to keep those breadsticks coming.

$22.17 (+$1.09) (+5.17%) Shares in the online restaurant guide rose after the company aided users in their review process by listing the ...

$74.96 (+$0.32) (+0.43%) Confidence in the company was boosted by the fact that it makes big airplanes, which is pretty awesome.