$69.45 (-$3.04) (-4.19%) Shares plummeted because summer’s here and no more kids need vinegar to make science project volcanoes.

$36.35 (+$2.21) (+6.47%) Shares rose sharply after the generator produced a promising string of 3s and 5s.

$15.13 (-$0.66) (-4.18%) A company announcement this afternoon that the 2014 Ford Explorer would feature only one cubic foot of trunk space ...

$418.37 (-$23.07) (-5.23%) Shares continued their steady decline as Silicon Valley investors continued to respond negatively to the iPhone maker’s bizarre ...

$84.88 (-$1.82) (-2.10%) Share prices dropped today after the market just wanted a damn floor mop—you know, a regular damn mop ...

$81.55 (-$1.45) (-1.75%) Investors are nervous after another six months have gone by without a single Pepsi being sold.

$12.48 (-$0.17) (-1.34%) According to analysts, Kirk Co. can capture substantial market share if the company could ever fully distinguish itself from ...

$37.71 (+$1.80) (+5.01%) Share prices jumped on the announcement that Lit'l Smokies will be the official smoked cocktail sausages of fun ...

$42.98 (+$0.83) (+1.97%) Investors responded positively to the company’s efforts to boost its line of healthy offerings by introducing new lines ...

$42.51 (+$1.36) (+3.30%) Attendees of the oil company’s annual shareholder meeting applauded after CEO Bob Dudley announced he doesn’t give ...

$24.38 (+$0.93) (+3.97%) The porn website continued to perform well this week due to it being a porn website.

$13.18 (+$1.03) (+8.48%) Investors cheered Bank of America’s latest decision to continue making obscene shitloads of money.

$36.02 (+$1.43) (+4.13%) Investors responded positively to the unveiling of Jack’s new head, which is 10 times larger and features terrifyingly ...

$181.17 (+$18.79) (11.57%) Stocks surged today after technologists at Panera Laboratories discovered a breakthrough process to fuse Tuscan with Asiago.

$34.41 (-$2.03) (-5.57%) Shares plummeted after CFO Timothy Sloan realized he forgot to compound everyone’s interest yesterday.

$72.12 (+$0.47) (0.66%) CEO Biff Tannen invested winnings from his correct Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl bet to further BiffCo’s dominance in ...

$19.82 (+$0.94) (+4.98%) Reports are coming in from Lancaster that some Tide got a big ol’ stain out of a shirt last ...

$31.21 (-$2.17) (-6.50%) The nut purveyor’s shares took a hit today after investors learned that Mr.

$21.20 (+$1.89) (+9.79%) Investors were pleased to hear news that Auntie Anne’s now owns every single retail space in Milwaukee’s ...

$2.23 (+$0.19) (+9.31%) Prices rose after a mysterious elevator accident took out three of the Five Guys.