$249.33 (-$17.18) (-6.45%) The Mexican fast food restaurant chain suffered a major setback today after announcing the unfortunate passing of the tiny ...

$86.33 (+$2.32) (2.76%) Stock prices rose as investors realized it was really fun to move dirt around.

$31.26 (+$1.09) (+3.61%) Investors reacted positively to the company’s plan to discontinue developing treelike antennas and focus solely on breeding trees ...

$9.93 (-$1.13) (-10.22%) Stock prices tumbled after investors discovered Fords can’t drive underwater even for, like, a second.

$13.79 (-$1.38) (-9.10%) Share prices in the book retailer dropped on reports that every Barnes & Noble customer was just killing time until ...

$3.91 (+$0.08) (+2.09%) Shares rose today after executives cleared up confusion over the company’s name by explaining that it was an ...

$29.04 (-$0.71) (-2.39%) Shares of the adjustable mattress manufacturer took a hit after a new study confirmed America’s sleep number is ...

$22.56 (+1.14) (+5.32%) Shares in the tech giant were up on strong sales numbers for the Core Pink, a new microprocessor intended ...

49.52 (+1.17) (+2.42%) Shares surged after the defense contractor confirmed rumors of a retail rollout of the new Tomahawk Personal Self-Defense Missile.

$33.14 (+$1.26) (+3.95%) Investors eagerly approved of the company's long anticipated move to finally remove the adhesive from the back of ...

$48.04 (+$1.33) (+2.85%) Investors thought about it and realized, “Hey, pushpins aren’t going away anytime soon.” Then everyone bought a few ...

$14.58 (+$0.96) (+7.05%) Stock prices jumped after the funeral services company announced its new “30 minutes or less” guarantee.

$39.03 (+$3.27) (+9.14%) Investors enthusiastically rallied behind the company following its announcement that it is now the fourth-largest retailer of Q-tips in ...

$18.09 (-$1.35) (-6.94%) Consumer interest withdrew sharply when no one working would just come up to the fucking counter.

$23.38 (-$3.14) (-11.84%) Political instability in key pudding-producing regions continues to weigh on stock prices, with the most recent reports confirming that ...

$18.77 (-$4.24) (-18.43%) Stock prices fell sharply when shareholders realized that while the company does sell faucets, the water that comes out ...

$167.26 (-$78.42) (-31.9%) Shares continued to plummet after reports that anyone who has even come close to a laser tag gun is ...

$34.18 (+$1.78) (+5.5%) Stocks climbed after an independent study concluded that every single human being is now pretty good at photography.

$25.61 (-$6.02) (-19%) Share prices plunged today after Mandy failed to show up for her 5 p.m. shift even though she told ...

$53.97 (-$2.25) (-4%) Prices continued to tumble for this big-box clothing retailer, which has come under fire following revelations that its clothing only ...