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Content From 2011-08-24

Lewis Out For MDA Telethon

Despite a report that Jerry Lewis and the Muscular Dystrophy Association had reconciled, for the first time in 45 years the comedian will not be hosting the group's annual Labor Day Telethon.

McDonald's Unveils New Senior Citizen PlayPlace

OAK BROOK, IL—In an effort to accommodate an aging customer base and make the McDonald's experience "super fun for seniors 65 to 95," the fast-food chain unveiled its new Senior Citizen PlayPlaces Wednesday.

Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill

'We're Going All In, Boys,' Congressmen Say

WASHINGTON—In a stunning emergency session Wednesday, all 535 members of Congress unanimously agreed to pool what remained of their political capital and bet the farm on one final bill: H.R.

I Shouldn't Be Alive

Animal 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT David Duke and whoever came up with those fucking electric hand dryers.

Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth

LOS ANGELES—According to a study released Wednesday by the California Pain Medicine Center, subjects suffering from male- pattern baldness were found to experience a level of physical pain at least seven times more intense than that experienced by w...

Cool It

Food Network 9 p.m. EDT/ 8 p.m. CDT What hot cuisines taste good when eaten cold? This week a panel of hungover judges tries out some refrigerated pad thai and a potato leek soup left over from the weekend.

Qaddafi Regime Ends

Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi's reign.

Nation's Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree

LOS ANGELES—In a group statement released Monday to all known broadcast, cable, online, and print news outlets, publicists from throughout the entertainment industry urgently warned that the nation's celebrities remain "dangerously under-famous...

Report: No One Over 13 Wants To Play QB For Redskins

ASHBURN, VA—Though the Washington Redskins are currently attempting to decide on their starting quarterback, no person older than the age of 13 has shown any enthusiasm about the position, team sources confirmed Sunday.

Dan Uggla

Uggla's 33-consecutive-game hit streak was the longest in the majors in five years. Is he any good?
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"It turned out that when people read Comic Sans, the same areas in the brain light up as when they view fat people or penguins."
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