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Content From 2009-03-12

Madoff Pleads Guilty To Fraud

Bernard Madoff, the money manager accused of running the largest Ponzi scheme in U.S. history, pleaded guilty to charges this morning in a New York court. What do you think?

Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Shit Of The Puzzle

BUFFALO, NY—In a move that will immediately impact a roster that is already full of shit, the Bills added what many believe will be the missing piece of shit to the team's puzzle Saturday by signing world-class shitass Terrell Owens.

Blake Griffin

Quick, nifty 6-foot-10 power forward Blake Griffin is expected to go first in the upcoming NBA draft. Is this Oklahoma sophomore any good?

FDA Approves Salmonella

WASHINGTON—Executives at Hellmann's welcomed the news by announcing an entire line of lukewarm, sun-soaked, and partially turned mayonnaises.

Rush Limbaugh Returns

Rush Limbaugh is once again in the national media spotlight, this time for saying, among other things, that he hopes Obama and his economic...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Crash Cab

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5:30 p.m. EDT/4:30 p.m. CDT

In this hit game show, unsuspecting taxi passengers must answer general knowledge trivia questions correctly to prevent their cab from careening into the nearest storefront or bridge abutment.

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