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Content From 2012-03-19

$100 Buys Airport Security Bypass

By paying a one-time fee of $100 and attending a brief interview with a customs officer, flyers can bypass the regular airport security lines and pass through without removing their belts or shoes, or the liquids in their bags.

Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness

'We Are Indiana,' New Hive Mind Announces

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources have confirmed that at approximately 10:30 a.m. today all 6.5 million residents of Indiana spontaneously exited their homes and places of business, formed thousands of perfectly uniform rows, and appeared to join together in a c...

NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now

NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after all, it turns out," the National Football League thanked God that the issue of defensive players being paid...

OTTO THE ORANGE

Perhaps the most distinctive mascot in college basketball, Otto the Orange will doubtless give No. 1 seed Syracuse his full support through the tournament.

Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar. 

Notable NFL Free Agents

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available. 

Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12%

A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the number of incidences has fallen to 11.6 percent since 1999.

In Over Your Head

We're talking $1,310 a month for the next 30 years of your life—that's until 2042 and doesn't even begin to include property taxes.
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