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Content From 2009-10-05

Detroit Facing Corpse Surplus

Corpses are piling up in the Wayne County Morgue in Detroit because families and loved ones can't afford to bury or cremate the bodies. What do...

Struggling Museum Now Allowing Patrons To Touch Paintings

NEW YORK—"At first it just looked like a picture of a bunch of lily pads," Gerard Schmidt, a retired banker said of Monet's Water Lilies. "But then I started scraping at it with my pocket knife and the whole painting just sort of spoke to me."

Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat

SARASOTA, FL—"I could never be unfaithful to Helen," said the 63-year-old Arnold Schneider, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully attempted extramarital relations with dozens of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, and random strangers.

Reds Cut Magic Number To 17

CINCINNATI—Trailing the first-place Cardinals by only 15 games with less than a week to go in the regular season, the Cincinnati Reds cut their magic number down to 17 with a win over St. Louis Tuesday.

Town Proud Of Water Tower

RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure in...

Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up

OAK HARBOR, WA—"He's fine," said Shell president Marvin Odum. "Trust me, before all of the cameras and reporters showed up, our little buddy here was having no problem at all cleaning himself off. Now, all of a sudden, it's severe spastic convulsions this and complete kidney failure that."

New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads

The 34-page booklet for Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, the new CD from Island Def Jam recording artist Mariah Carey, includes advertisements...
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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