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Content From 2010-07-23

Senate Approves Jobless Benefits Extension

Following an appointment to fill the seat of the recently deceased Robert Byrd, Senate Democrats have staved off a Republican filibuster and are set to extend unemployment benefits.

Kid Ready To Start Playdating Again

TAMPA, FL—"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous—after all, it's been a while since I've played spacemen with someone else," Kyle Gallagher said between small sips from a grape-juice box. "But I just can't worry about that kind of thing anymore. It's time to get back on that horse and see what's out there for me."

Amusement Park Rides Under Scrutiny

Following the recent tragedy in which a Chinese ride called Space Journey malfunctioned and killed six people, many carnival rides are being more carefully inspected.

'Jersey Shore' Cast On Strike

Cast members of the MTV reality series Jersey Shore are refusing to appear in a third season of the show until their salary of $10,000 per episode is increased.

Local Family Homeless After Tornado Destroys White House

'We've Lost Everything,' Family Says

WASHINGTON—"My God, just look at this," the 48-year-old government employee said as he surveyed the splintered furniture and mangled chandeliers that littered the 18-acre property. "Everything is gone. Our clothes, our family photos, the federal budget for fiscal year 2011—it's all gone."

The Bachroulette

ABC 9 p.m. EST / 8 p.m. CST After being repeatedly spun around, Ali stumbles and then vomits into Chris L.'s arms, winning any viewer who picked him a 6-to-1 payout.

NBC Announces Fall Cancellation Lineup

NEW YORK—At a press conference Tuesday, the NBC television network unveiled its new fall lineup of programs that will be canceled almost immediately after airing.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 20, 2010

Aries Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him. Taurus You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, fer...

Dance Your Ass Off

OXYGEN 10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST There, we said it without the asterisks. ASS. Get over it, people. It's a natural part of the human body and nothing to titter about.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

I Hope To Get More Acting Work By Sharing My Opinions Here

E!

9 p.m. EST / 8 p.m. CST

Viral video comedians Angie Ballard and Francis Potts join this week's panel of performers who make direct eye contact with the camera as they destroy Miley Cyrus' new music video and hope a Hollywood producer is watching and needs a best-friend character for his new movie.

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