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Content From 2011-07-25

Darren Clarke

No one expected fun-loving Darren Clarke to win the British Open, but the Guinness-and-cigarettes-loving Irishman took his first major at the age of 42.

Frame Guys

BRAVO 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT The store is divided when Jim refuses to work on a Damn Yankees poster that guest star Tommy Shaw brings in for framing.

Pirates Starting To Pay Attention To Themselves

PITTSBURGH—Finding themselves six games over .500 and vying for first place in the National League Central Division, members of the Pittsburgh Pirates organization are beginning to take notice of the surprisingly competitive Pittsburgh Pirates.

Last Male Heir To Bloodline Watches Movie Alone On Laptop

CULVER CITY, CA—Nathan Brandten, the last remaining male heir to a rich genetic lineage stretching dozens of generations into the dim and distant past, watched a movie alone on his laptop late Friday evening, sources reported. Brandten, 32, the fina...

Perry

“I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” - Ricky Perry

Hobbies

"If we can't get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday," - Labor Secretary Hilda Solis

Nation's School Systems Held Back A Year

WASHINGTON—Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation's school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year, sources confirmed Friday.

Tosh.0

COMEDY 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT A licensing conflict with YouTube forces Daniel to fall back on his theater training.

God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

AUSTIN, TX—Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Murdoch

"Look, anyone who knows me knows that I have never cared about money," - Rupert Murdoch
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