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Content From 2011-09-07

NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NEW YORK—In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands. 

We Need To Do More When It Comes To Having Brief, Panicked Thoughts About Climate Change

The 20 hottest years on record have all taken place in the past quarter century. The resulting floods, wildfires, and heat waves have all had deadly consequences, and if we don't reduce carbon emissions immediately, humanity faces bleak prospects. We can no longer ignore this issue. Beginning today, we must all do more when it comes to our brief and panicked thoughts about climate change.

Obama Will Not Preempt Football

President Obama promised that Thursday's jobs address to Congress would not conflict with the NFL season opener between Green Bay and New Orleans. What do <i>you</i> think?

Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché

MADISON, WI—According to sources, former lovers John Breneman and Ingrid Matay returned Friday to the coffeehouse they had frequented in college, stoking the last dying embers of their feelings for each other and sharing one final cliché.

Pawn Stars

History 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Rick accuses Corey of riding his motorcycle without permission, causing you to wonder how the History Channel executives sleep at night.

Saints vs. Packers

The 2011 NFL Kickoff game showcases the past two Super Bowl winners, so we'll see how bad those famous hangovers can be.

You Can't Do That On Television!

(N/A) (N/A) EDT/(N/A) CDT In this newly revamped version of the classic Canadian children's program we mean what we say: You really can't do this stuff on television! That's why the show was never greenlit.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...


Obama Commercial

"Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese is a fine product, a delicious product, and one that I fully endorse for snacking morning, afternoon, and night." - President Obama
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