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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Wheelchair-bound paraplegic paralegal Cindy Pratt doesn’t care if she ever walks again, just as long as that scumbag perp they’re prosecuting never does either. She’s not allowed in the courtroom to help convict the guy, however, so she’ll just photocopy the shit out of whatever the lawyers need.

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