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Content From 2008-08-15

First Night Of Freedom Spent Alone In Dorm Room

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Unhindered by a curfew and free from parental oversight, freshman Phil Melton, 18, spent his first night of independence Saturday inside his Pennsylvania State University dorm room and was asleep by 11:45...

Monster Got Tina

OKEECHOBEE SWAMPS, FL—According to sources, the monster got Tina, 18, despite her having been right behind the other remaining survivors...

Old Stars With New Teams

As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered...

Usain Bolt vs. Tyson Gay

Usain Bolt of Jamaica and Tyson Gay of the U.S. are favorites in the Olympic 100 meters, but exactly what must they do to win?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Shit That'll Make You Puke!

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This fat lady gets that stomach-belt thing, but first, the doctors have to cut through a ton of nasty fat layers.

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