Unwilling to go down without a fight, Honkers the Canada Goose took 37 people with him after getting sucked into an Airbus A319 engine.

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Vol 48 Issue 12

Luck

HBO 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Life at the track is turned upside down when one of the jockeys discovers the horses can talk.

That's So Gina!

CBS 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST This week, Gina saves half the chicken she had for dinner and cuts it up for a salad she'll have for lunch tomorrow. That's so her.

Anthony Davis

Kentucky's shot-blocking frosh sensation has been unselfish, versatile, and seemingly everywhere on the floor during the NCAA Tournament.

Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan

A study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, all 6.5 million residents of Indiana join together to form a collective consciousness, and Ray Ban is unsure the public can pull off its 2012 series of sunglasses.

Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Unwilling to go down without a fight, Honkers the Canada Goose took 37 people with him after getting sucked into an Airbus A319 engine.

Unwilling to go down without a fight, Honkers the Canada Goose took 37 people with him after getting sucked into an Airbus A319 engine.

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