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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Fifth-Grade Dance Recital

TBS

7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

Where they got the tape is unclear, but this is definitely home video footage of the 1991 recital in which you, dressed in an orange leotard and cat ears, perform a self-choreographed jazz-tap routine to Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract."

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