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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
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10 Years Of Facebook

Facebook, which is now valued at $130 billion and boasts 1.2 billion monthly users, was launched 10 years ago Tuesday by Mark Zuckerberg in a Harvard dorm room. Here is a look back at milestone moments in the rise of the world’s leading social network:

  • 13,000,000,000 BC-2003: The world is a frightening and chaotic abyss where nobody knows what anyone else is eating
  • Feb. 4, 2004: At the age of 19, Harvard sophomore Mark Zuckerberg launches Facebook by building on classmates Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss’ idea of a website where identical twins can connect
  • Dec.12, 2005: Ugh, that one fucking girl from high school gets engaged
  • Sept. 19, 2007: Facebook redacts its controversial terms of use requiring all users to accept the tenets of Roman Catholicism
  • Mar. 22, 2010: Facebook employees crowd around a monitor and laugh their asses off at an embarrassing drunken love note you privately sent your ex
  • Jan. 5, 2011: Following the company’s announcement that they would be featuring sponsored advertisements, tens of millions of angry Facebook users vow to quit the site, deactivate their accounts, and to this day have never returned
  • July 11, 2012: For the first time in history, the share of 26-year-old users whose profile photo features them at Machu Picchu finally surpasses 50 percent
  • Feb. 4, 2014: You mindlessly post this link to your Facebook profile with some dumb caption

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