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10 Years Of Facebook

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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10 Years Of Facebook

Facebook, which is now valued at $130 billion and boasts 1.2 billion monthly users, was launched 10 years ago Tuesday by Mark Zuckerberg in a Harvard dorm room. Here is a look back at milestone moments in the rise of the world’s leading social network:

  • 13,000,000,000 BC-2003: The world is a frightening and chaotic abyss where nobody knows what anyone else is eating
  • Feb. 4, 2004: At the age of 19, Harvard sophomore Mark Zuckerberg launches Facebook by building on classmates Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss’ idea of a website where identical twins can connect
  • Dec.12, 2005: Ugh, that one fucking girl from high school gets engaged
  • Sept. 19, 2007: Facebook redacts its controversial terms of use requiring all users to accept the tenets of Roman Catholicism
  • Mar. 22, 2010: Facebook employees crowd around a monitor and laugh their asses off at an embarrassing drunken love note you privately sent your ex
  • Jan. 5, 2011: Following the company’s announcement that they would be featuring sponsored advertisements, tens of millions of angry Facebook users vow to quit the site, deactivate their accounts, and to this day have never returned
  • July 11, 2012: For the first time in history, the share of 26-year-old users whose profile photo features them at Machu Picchu finally surpasses 50 percent
  • Feb. 4, 2014: You mindlessly post this link to your Facebook profile with some dumb caption

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