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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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2007 NASCAR Highlights

Jimmie Johnson has been awarded the 2007 NASCAR Nextel Cup after an historic and eventful racing season. Onion Sports runs down the high points:

Tony Stewart wins the USG Sheetrock 400, and is rewarded with 14,000 tons of sheetrock

Mark Martin finishes the Pepsi 400 with a record 78 wrinkles

Kyle Busch is hospitalized for a month when tradition requires him to drink a glass of the race sponsor's product after winning the Castrol GTX Industrial-Strength Motor Oil 500

Unable to come up with a signature post-victory celebration, rookie Juan Pablo Montoya just sort of claps his hands a little bit

VAAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM! BRUM brum brum bruubrummmbrummmm VREEEEWWWAAAAHHHHMMM! WHEEAAAAAAARRRRUUUUM! SkrrrreeeeeEEEAHHHHHGH Ka-WHAAAAMMMMMBO!

Laps 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 at the Allstate 400: awesome

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has an impressive comeback at Pocono to finish second, although he probably would have finished first if he still had a dad

Bobby Labonte's coonhound, Colonel Earl, sends shockwaves throughout the conservative, family-oriented world of stock car racing when "he" births a litter of eight cute li'l pups

The NEXTEL Cup Series combats rising gas prices and increased ecological sensitivity among consumers by ignoring them

With one race remaining on the schedule, Jeff Gordon clinches his first ever "Champion For Most Of The Season" Cup

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