STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.
After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?
CLEVELAND—Having watched in horror as their team crumbled after a 3-1 World Series lead, members of the Cleveland Indians expressed concern Thursday that the organization has been cursed for building their franchise on an incredibly old Native American stereotype.
THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title since 1908, sources confirmed Wednesday that millions of intoxicated Chicago Cubs fans are currently rioting across Heaven.
CHICAGO—Barely able to communicate through the din of thunderous noise during Game 3 of the World Series, members of the Cleveland Indians admitted Friday to being completely rattled by the deafening sound of the Wrigley Field crowd’s indigestion.
CHICAGO—Explaining that he is breaking from his normal routine for Game 1 of the World Series, 32-year-old Chicago Cubs fan Frank Sanford confirmed Tuesday that he feels ready to get completely drunk again on only two days’ rest.
SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
BOSTON—Having officially entered retirement after 20 seasons in Major League Baseball, former Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Thursday that he is excited to finally be able to eat whatever he wants.
WASHINGTON—Using a large plastic trash bag to collect the uniforms scattered around their bedroom closet, Michelle Obama reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon throwing out many of her husband’s old number 44 jerseys.
NEW YORK—Featuring various clips from past playoff games and what appears to be an abandoned slaughterhouse, a disturbing new MLB postseason commercial that began airing Friday claims October is when the maggots feast on rotting pig flesh.
CHADDS FORD, PA—Watching in disbelief as she pulled out a textbook in the midst of the busy locker room, members of the Unionville High School field hockey team told reporters Thursday that sophomore forward Kelly Wilcox was actually trying to do some homework during the 30-minute period between school and the start of practice.
WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.
After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
GLEN ROCK, NJ—Stressing that everyone is counting on them to win what they incorrectly assume to be one of the biggest games of the year, the Glen Rock Panthers soccer team is evidently under the impression that their high school’s football rivalries extend to them as well, sources confirmed Thursday.
After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
PINE BLUFF, AK—Featuring a consistent budget and students regularly encouraged to take part in its construction, a 6-foot-by-12-foot handmade banner that the Pine Bluff High School football team runs through before every game represents the closest thing the school comes to supporting the arts, sources confirmed Friday.
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2009 Masters Winner Also Given Matching Green Pants