2009 Midseason NFL Highlights

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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2009 Midseason NFL Highlights

  • Week 1: The Cowboys' new stadium opens to controversy over its gigantic 72-by-160-foot Diamond Vision video screen, although owner Jerry Jones eventually agrees to take it off the field and suspend it from the ceiling
  • Week 2: The NFL announces sweeping reforms to scorekeeping and officiating after noticing all 32 teams are undefeated
  • Week 3: LaDainian Tomlinson gains a full yard on a carry, which is pretty good considering what happened on his 10 carries prior to that
  • Week 4: Though it was returned for 44 yards, Dolphins kicker Dan Carpenter still thinks it was the best opening kickoff of his career
  • Week 5: Browns quarterback Derek Anderson proves he may be the most valuable player in the league, beating the Bills with two completions for a total of 23 yards
  • Week 6: In the middle of the Raiders' upset win over the Eagles, Tom Cable and Michael Vick catch each other's eye on opposite sidelines and give each other a little nod
  • Week 7: The Texans' Steve Slaton rushes for 67 yards and gets into the end zone, all without the ball
  • Week 8: Returning to Lambeau as a Viking, Brett Favre is surprised that the home crowd is booing the Packers so loudly every time he walks on the field


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