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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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2009 Midseason NFL Highlights

  • Week 1: The Cowboys' new stadium opens to controversy over its gigantic 72-by-160-foot Diamond Vision video screen, although owner Jerry Jones eventually agrees to take it off the field and suspend it from the ceiling
  • Week 2: The NFL announces sweeping reforms to scorekeeping and officiating after noticing all 32 teams are undefeated
  • Week 3: LaDainian Tomlinson gains a full yard on a carry, which is pretty good considering what happened on his 10 carries prior to that
  • Week 4: Though it was returned for 44 yards, Dolphins kicker Dan Carpenter still thinks it was the best opening kickoff of his career
  • Week 5: Browns quarterback Derek Anderson proves he may be the most valuable player in the league, beating the Bills with two completions for a total of 23 yards
  • Week 6: In the middle of the Raiders' upset win over the Eagles, Tom Cable and Michael Vick catch each other's eye on opposite sidelines and give each other a little nod
  • Week 7: The Texans' Steve Slaton rushes for 67 yards and gets into the end zone, all without the ball
  • Week 8: Returning to Lambeau as a Viking, Brett Favre is surprised that the home crowd is booing the Packers so loudly every time he walks on the field

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