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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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2009 Midseason NFL Highlights

  • Week 1: The Cowboys' new stadium opens to controversy over its gigantic 72-by-160-foot Diamond Vision video screen, although owner Jerry Jones eventually agrees to take it off the field and suspend it from the ceiling
  • Week 2: The NFL announces sweeping reforms to scorekeeping and officiating after noticing all 32 teams are undefeated
  • Week 3: LaDainian Tomlinson gains a full yard on a carry, which is pretty good considering what happened on his 10 carries prior to that
  • Week 4: Though it was returned for 44 yards, Dolphins kicker Dan Carpenter still thinks it was the best opening kickoff of his career
  • Week 5: Browns quarterback Derek Anderson proves he may be the most valuable player in the league, beating the Bills with two completions for a total of 23 yards
  • Week 6: In the middle of the Raiders' upset win over the Eagles, Tom Cable and Michael Vick catch each other's eye on opposite sidelines and give each other a little nod
  • Week 7: The Texans' Steve Slaton rushes for 67 yards and gets into the end zone, all without the ball
  • Week 8: Returning to Lambeau as a Viking, Brett Favre is surprised that the home crowd is booing the Packers so loudly every time he walks on the field

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