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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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2010 MLB Playoff Preview

As baseball's postseason begins, we take a hard look at each team's chances.

  • BRAVES: With Atlanta's shaky defense, lackluster end-of-season play, and aging manager, we can't stress enough that we put this team first on our list purely for alphabetical reasons
  • GIANTS: Opponents should be intimidated, mainly because the Giants are still around despite being the only playoff team in the postseason that didn't actually make the playoffs
  • RANGERS: It's almost a shame that Major League Baseball doesn't allow teams from Texas to win the World Series, as this team is pretty talented
  • RAYS: By toppling AL East powerhouses Boston and New York, Tampa Bay has become a cool team to root for and watch lose
  • PHILLIES: Though the starting rotation consists of all-stars Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels, and Roy Halladay, Jamie Moyer's 7,000.42 ERA has to be of some concern
  • REDS: Nope
  • TWINS: Have a chance to compete against the best… Oh, wait, Justin Morneau is still injured? Three and out
  • YANKEES: Have a real shot at another World Series title if manager Joe Girardi makes the brave decision to start Alex Rodriguez at third base, keep Derek Jeter at shortstop, and play Mariano Rivera at pitcher every so often

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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