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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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2010 NBA Teams To Watch

With basketball season once again upon us, Onion Sports takes a look at this year's best and most interesting teams.

  • Miami Heat: Gotta love those black and red uniforms
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: Durant and Westbrook are so good, this team may actually earn the chance to return to a real city this year
  • Chicago Bulls: Their offseason acquisitions will look even more impressive when they finish third instead of fifth
  • Boston Celtics: The only team in the league that gives you the opportunity to point to all the players on the court and explain to your son what each one was like 10 years ago
  • New York Knicks: With the addition of Amar'e Stoudemire, experts are now able to write one clause of a persuasive sentence about New York
  • Detroit Pistons: Will continue to embody the blue-collar ethos of their city but will also embody its depressed, bleak ethos
  • New Jersey Nets: With their new billionaire owner, the Nets are the only team in the league that will make you feel better about not being a billionaire
  • The Playoffs: If you only watch one thing in the NBA this season, make it the playoffs

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