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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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2010 World Cup Teams To Watch

While Brazil and Argentina seem to grab all the attention, the field is as interesting as it is deep. Onion Sports points out the keys for each national side.

  • Ghana: Though not expected to make it to the quarterfinals, they should win the Eukaryotic Protist trophy, given to the team with malaria that advances the farthest
  • England: Known for inventing new ways to underperform; look for England's players to lose their first World Cup match by forgetting what time it starts and everyone going skydiving instead
  • North Korea: DPRK players could be tough to defend, as they have nuclear devices strapped to their chests
  • Spain: If this talented team of handsome young playboys is able to keep from sleeping with beautiful women long enough to play full 90-minute matches, it should be considered a favorite
  • Portugal: Cristiano Ronaldo has a knack for always having his hair in just the right place at the right time.
  • United States: Full disclosure—the government mandates we include an entry for the United States in a list like this
  • France: Proof that basing an offense around being standoffish and unappealing can work if you really put your heart into it
  • South Africa: Team has the potential to go very far, as they know which parts of the field to avoid if you don't want to get stabbed to death

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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