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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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2010 World Cup Teams To Watch

While Brazil and Argentina seem to grab all the attention, the field is as interesting as it is deep. Onion Sports points out the keys for each national side.

  • Ghana: Though not expected to make it to the quarterfinals, they should win the Eukaryotic Protist trophy, given to the team with malaria that advances the farthest
  • England: Known for inventing new ways to underperform; look for England's players to lose their first World Cup match by forgetting what time it starts and everyone going skydiving instead
  • North Korea: DPRK players could be tough to defend, as they have nuclear devices strapped to their chests
  • Spain: If this talented team of handsome young playboys is able to keep from sleeping with beautiful women long enough to play full 90-minute matches, it should be considered a favorite
  • Portugal: Cristiano Ronaldo has a knack for always having his hair in just the right place at the right time.
  • United States: Full disclosure—the government mandates we include an entry for the United States in a list like this
  • France: Proof that basing an offense around being standoffish and unappealing can work if you really put your heart into it
  • South Africa: Team has the potential to go very far, as they know which parts of the field to avoid if you don't want to get stabbed to death

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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