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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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2010's Top College Football Recruiting Prospects

With Signing Week upon us, Onion Sports runs down the prep stars who will soon make an impact on the college football scene.

  • C.J. Thurston: Has shown the consistently mediocre free safety play that would fit in perfectly with an Akron or a Central Michigan
  • Alex Carson: Quarterback has the talent, makeup, and complete inability to put the two together that will make him the perfect successor for Jimmy Clausen at Notre Dame
  • James Lowry: With his ability to stand upright and breathe, Michigan has been doing everything in its power to get this high school senior to make a verbal commitment.
  • Brett Favre: Has played on and off for Hancock North Central High over the past 25 seasons, swears he still has a year of college eligibility left
  • Frank Villani: 9 feet tall
  • Kyle Washington: The fact that this star quarterback has entered a bet to get the nerdiest girl in school to fall in love with him could turn away some recruiters; then again, he seems to genuinely like the girl now
  • Jordan Rutherford: Tall, slender, muscular, long-limbed, athletic, has a great frame, and you really just get lost in those deep blue eyes of his…. What were we talking about again?
  • Devin Smith: At a speedy 210 pounds, Smith will surely have a role on special teams as a freshman and will begin to see significant playing time his second year; by his junior year, he'll have met the girl of his dreams and will start focusing more on his architecture degree; at 45, he will have two beautiful daughters, a sizable home in North Carolina, and a real shot at being elected city councilman
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