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2011 College Football Preseason Poll

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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

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WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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2011 College Football Preseason Poll

With college football season almost upon us, it's time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.

  • 1. Oklahoma: Not a bad team, but pretty obviously here because the coaches and reporters lack imagination
  • 2. Alabama: Somebody called them up and asked if they're still a really good team, and they said yes
  • 3. Oregon: LaMichael James a leading candidate to take Heisman Trophy, be forced to return it in five years
  • 4. Florida State: The Seminoles have proven themselves worthy of a top-10 ranking by—wait, nobody has proven anything. The season hasn't even started. How does any of this matter in any way imaginable?
  • 5. Boise State: Cue complaining in 3…2…1…
  • 6. Florida: Several former backups who are stepping into starting roles have plenty of losing experience from last year to draw from and try to do the opposite of
  • 7. Auburn: The Tigers have lost far too much talent this year to qualify for a bowl title they will later be stripped of
  • 8. Arkansas: Just because star running back Knile Davis is out for the season doesn’t mean the Hogs can’t be ranked in the top five; it has more to do with the fact that they just aren’t as good as those other teams.
  • 9. Wisconsin: Pound for pound, this team weighs the most pounds of any in NCAA football
  • 10. Michigan: Actually not even in anyone's top 25, and also, fuck them

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