2011 College Football Preseason Poll

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Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...
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2011 College Football Preseason Poll

With college football season almost upon us, it's time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.

  • 1. Oklahoma: Not a bad team, but pretty obviously here because the coaches and reporters lack imagination
  • 2. Alabama: Somebody called them up and asked if they're still a really good team, and they said yes
  • 3. Oregon: LaMichael James a leading candidate to take Heisman Trophy, be forced to return it in five years
  • 4. Florida State: The Seminoles have proven themselves worthy of a top-10 ranking by—wait, nobody has proven anything. The season hasn't even started. How does any of this matter in any way imaginable?
  • 5. Boise State: Cue complaining in 3…2…1…
  • 6. Florida: Several former backups who are stepping into starting roles have plenty of losing experience from last year to draw from and try to do the opposite of
  • 7. Auburn: The Tigers have lost far too much talent this year to qualify for a bowl title they will later be stripped of
  • 8. Arkansas: Just because star running back Knile Davis is out for the season doesn’t mean the Hogs can’t be ranked in the top five; it has more to do with the fact that they just aren’t as good as those other teams.
  • 9. Wisconsin: Pound for pound, this team weighs the most pounds of any in NCAA football
  • 10. Michigan: Actually not even in anyone's top 25, and also, fuck them
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