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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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2011 College Football Preseason Poll

With college football season almost upon us, it's time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.

  • 1. Oklahoma: Not a bad team, but pretty obviously here because the coaches and reporters lack imagination
  • 2. Alabama: Somebody called them up and asked if they're still a really good team, and they said yes
  • 3. Oregon: LaMichael James a leading candidate to take Heisman Trophy, be forced to return it in five years
  • 4. Florida State: The Seminoles have proven themselves worthy of a top-10 ranking by—wait, nobody has proven anything. The season hasn't even started. How does any of this matter in any way imaginable?
  • 5. Boise State: Cue complaining in 3…2…1…
  • 6. Florida: Several former backups who are stepping into starting roles have plenty of losing experience from last year to draw from and try to do the opposite of
  • 7. Auburn: The Tigers have lost far too much talent this year to qualify for a bowl title they will later be stripped of
  • 8. Arkansas: Just because star running back Knile Davis is out for the season doesn’t mean the Hogs can’t be ranked in the top five; it has more to do with the fact that they just aren’t as good as those other teams.
  • 9. Wisconsin: Pound for pound, this team weighs the most pounds of any in NCAA football
  • 10. Michigan: Actually not even in anyone's top 25, and also, fuck them

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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