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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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2011 Hall Of Fame Finalists

Canton has released this year's list of players nominated for the Hall of Fame. We weigh in on who is and isn't deserving of football's highest individual honor.

  • Curtis Martin: As one of the top-10 all-time rushers, he should be voted in now before his records are replaced by far more athletic running backs
  • Andre Reed: A perfect candidate for the Hall of Fame now that all the better receivers have been inducted
  • Jerome Bettis: When it came to big, bumbling tubs of forward-falling lard, Bettis was the best of his era
  • Shannon Sharpe: May deserve to be in the Hall, but keep in mind that he would then be allowed to make a speech
  • Willie Roaf: Listen, we understand offensive linemen aren't supposed to score, but not even one touchdown? Come on
  • Cris Carter: With 1,101 career receptions, Carter had what could be considered the best hands in the league, as well as the best thighs and ass
  • Chris Hanburger: Nope
  • Deion Sanders: Recently held a gala ceremony inducting all 260 current Hall of Famers into the Deion Sanders Hall of Fame

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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