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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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2011 In The Less Popular Sports

Any fan will tell you the big-name leagues aren't the whole sporting world. As time expires on 2011, we take a look at major accomplishments, happenings, and developments in the less popular sports.

  • The Bassmaster lockout ends quickly as lake owners just let striking bass flop around the shore until they're dead, then replace them with nonunion fish
  • Arena football continues, with many teams participating in the sport with various degrees of success
  • Virginia defeats Maryland to become NCAA champs in lacrosse, a sport that was astoundingly not renamed Sticklaunchers at any point this year
  • Shot-putter Greg Brighton persists in putting the hell out of that shot
  • Not one single bobsled was so much as touched, because nobody would ever do that when the Olympics aren't happening
  • Norwegian cross-country skier Petter Northug motivates himself to a win in the men's 50-km freestyle by reminding himself that if he collapses and freezes to death in the woods, no one will even know to look for him
  • St. Louis 10-year-old Mike Butler wins the Imaginary Super Bowl, the Imaginary World Series, and the Imaginary Olympics, inspiring his parents to get back together in his imagination
  • Silvano Alves breaks the all-time bull-riding record, continuing at it for hours, which at first thrills fans, then makes them dubious and angry, and then raises concerns for the life of the bull, who eventually dies of exhaustion to complete silence from attendees

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