Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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2011 In The Less Popular Sports

Any fan will tell you the big-name leagues aren't the whole sporting world. As time expires on 2011, we take a look at major accomplishments, happenings, and developments in the less popular sports.

  • The Bassmaster lockout ends quickly as lake owners just let striking bass flop around the shore until they're dead, then replace them with nonunion fish
  • Arena football continues, with many teams participating in the sport with various degrees of success
  • Virginia defeats Maryland to become NCAA champs in lacrosse, a sport that was astoundingly not renamed Sticklaunchers at any point this year
  • Shot-putter Greg Brighton persists in putting the hell out of that shot
  • Not one single bobsled was so much as touched, because nobody would ever do that when the Olympics aren't happening
  • Norwegian cross-country skier Petter Northug motivates himself to a win in the men's 50-km freestyle by reminding himself that if he collapses and freezes to death in the woods, no one will even know to look for him
  • St. Louis 10-year-old Mike Butler wins the Imaginary Super Bowl, the Imaginary World Series, and the Imaginary Olympics, inspiring his parents to get back together in his imagination
  • Silvano Alves breaks the all-time bull-riding record, continuing at it for hours, which at first thrills fans, then makes them dubious and angry, and then raises concerns for the life of the bull, who eventually dies of exhaustion to complete silence from attendees

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