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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites

With the race for the Heisman Trophy heating up, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to college football’s most outstanding candidates.

  • Jameis Winston (QB, Florida State): Winston has the inside track to the trophy, but Johnny Manziel, AJ McCarron, and the Tallahassee Police Department are hot on his heels
  • Johnny Manziel (QB, Texas A&M): Johnny Football has a strong chance to become the first player in college football history to forfeit two Heisman Trophies
  • Tajh Boyd (QB, Clemson): After throwing for zero TDs through the first 10 weeks, he impressed voters with a 26-TD effort against Georgia Tech
  • Marcus Mariota (QB, Oregon): After looking like an NFL quarterback for the first eight games, Mariota looked even more so last week as he downplayed a knee injury
  • AJ McCarron (QB, Alabama): Has it all: poise, accuracy, good looks, arm strength, respect, and fame—but what about true love?
  • Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Louisville): Heisman voters often place an emphasis on how players fared in their biggest games, and Teddy Bridgewater was nothing short of excellent against Rutgers and University of Central Florida
  • Bryce Petty (QB, Baylor): He won’t win
  • Jordan Lynch (QB, Northern Illinois): Still the favorite pick among the majority of Heisman Trophy voters who don’t watch college football
  • Braxton Miller (QB, Ohio State): Hey, another fucking quarterback
  • Justin Solomon (CB, Cornell): This defensive back would be really, really surprised to win, which would be fun to see
  • Mike Evans (WR, Texas A&M): Good solid bland name that can easily be forgotten in a few years

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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