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2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites

With the race for the Heisman Trophy heating up, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to college football’s most outstanding candidates.

  • Jameis Winston (QB, Florida State): Winston has the inside track to the trophy, but Johnny Manziel, AJ McCarron, and the Tallahassee Police Department are hot on his heels
  • Johnny Manziel (QB, Texas A&M): Johnny Football has a strong chance to become the first player in college football history to forfeit two Heisman Trophies
  • Tajh Boyd (QB, Clemson): After throwing for zero TDs through the first 10 weeks, he impressed voters with a 26-TD effort against Georgia Tech
  • Marcus Mariota (QB, Oregon): After looking like an NFL quarterback for the first eight games, Mariota looked even more so last week as he downplayed a knee injury
  • AJ McCarron (QB, Alabama): Has it all: poise, accuracy, good looks, arm strength, respect, and fame—but what about true love?
  • Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Louisville): Heisman voters often place an emphasis on how players fared in their biggest games, and Teddy Bridgewater was nothing short of excellent against Rutgers and University of Central Florida
  • Bryce Petty (QB, Baylor): He won’t win
  • Jordan Lynch (QB, Northern Illinois): Still the favorite pick among the majority of Heisman Trophy voters who don’t watch college football
  • Braxton Miller (QB, Ohio State): Hey, another fucking quarterback
  • Justin Solomon (CB, Cornell): This defensive back would be really, really surprised to win, which would be fun to see
  • Mike Evans (WR, Texas A&M): Good solid bland name that can easily be forgotten in a few years

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