2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites

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Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites

With the race for the Heisman Trophy heating up, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to college football’s most outstanding candidates.

  • Jameis Winston (QB, Florida State): Winston has the inside track to the trophy, but Johnny Manziel, AJ McCarron, and the Tallahassee Police Department are hot on his heels
  • Johnny Manziel (QB, Texas A&M): Johnny Football has a strong chance to become the first player in college football history to forfeit two Heisman Trophies
  • Tajh Boyd (QB, Clemson): After throwing for zero TDs through the first 10 weeks, he impressed voters with a 26-TD effort against Georgia Tech
  • Marcus Mariota (QB, Oregon): After looking like an NFL quarterback for the first eight games, Mariota looked even more so last week as he downplayed a knee injury
  • AJ McCarron (QB, Alabama): Has it all: poise, accuracy, good looks, arm strength, respect, and fame—but what about true love?
  • Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Louisville): Heisman voters often place an emphasis on how players fared in their biggest games, and Teddy Bridgewater was nothing short of excellent against Rutgers and University of Central Florida
  • Bryce Petty (QB, Baylor): He won’t win
  • Jordan Lynch (QB, Northern Illinois): Still the favorite pick among the majority of Heisman Trophy voters who don’t watch college football
  • Braxton Miller (QB, Ohio State): Hey, another fucking quarterback
  • Justin Solomon (CB, Cornell): This defensive back would be really, really surprised to win, which would be fun to see
  • Mike Evans (WR, Texas A&M): Good solid bland name that can easily be forgotten in a few years
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