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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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2013 NCAA Teams To Watch

With March Madness entering a state of frenzy, Onion Sports examines the best and most interesting teams in the 2013 NCAA Tournament.

  • Duke: Every Duke game is worth watching just for the chance to see Blue Devils fans in complete and utter misery after the team loses
  • Georgetown: Otto Porter is probably the most talented player in the nation, so watching any other player is just a waste of time
  • Indiana: Scouts report that this year’s class of weird-looking white guys who can drain three-pointers may be the Hoosiers’ strongest yet
  • Brompton State: No one has heard of them. No one has prepared for them.
  • Gonzaga: After finishing No. 1 in the season’s final AP poll, there will be very high hopes for this team in wherever the fuck Gonzaga is
  • Wichita State: A 9-seed that plays like an 8-seed
  • Syracuse: This is a scary, scary team. Let’s not talk about them, please.
  • Marquette: Dwyane Wade is a famous alum of the No. 3 seed in the East Region, should you need a reason to root against this team
  • Kentucky: Having won the NCAA championship in 2012, there’s no reason to suspect the Wildcats won’t repeat
  • Oregon: The Ducks likely will be out of the tournament by the time you read this, but if not, they’re the team to watch
  • Louisville: The No. 1 overall seed in the tournament, so yeah, they’ve got no chance in hell

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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