2013 NCAA Teams To Watch

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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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2013 NCAA Teams To Watch

With March Madness entering a state of frenzy, Onion Sports examines the best and most interesting teams in the 2013 NCAA Tournament.

  • Duke: Every Duke game is worth watching just for the chance to see Blue Devils fans in complete and utter misery after the team loses
  • Georgetown: Otto Porter is probably the most talented player in the nation, so watching any other player is just a waste of time
  • Indiana: Scouts report that this year’s class of weird-looking white guys who can drain three-pointers may be the Hoosiers’ strongest yet
  • Brompton State: No one has heard of them. No one has prepared for them.
  • Gonzaga: After finishing No. 1 in the season’s final AP poll, there will be very high hopes for this team in wherever the fuck Gonzaga is
  • Wichita State: A 9-seed that plays like an 8-seed
  • Syracuse: This is a scary, scary team. Let’s not talk about them, please.
  • Marquette: Dwyane Wade is a famous alum of the No. 3 seed in the East Region, should you need a reason to root against this team
  • Kentucky: Having won the NCAA championship in 2012, there’s no reason to suspect the Wildcats won’t repeat
  • Oregon: The Ducks likely will be out of the tournament by the time you read this, but if not, they’re the team to watch
  • Louisville: The No. 1 overall seed in the tournament, so yeah, they’ve got no chance in hell


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