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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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2013 NCAA Teams To Watch

With March Madness entering a state of frenzy, Onion Sports examines the best and most interesting teams in the 2013 NCAA Tournament.

  • Duke: Every Duke game is worth watching just for the chance to see Blue Devils fans in complete and utter misery after the team loses
  • Georgetown: Otto Porter is probably the most talented player in the nation, so watching any other player is just a waste of time
  • Indiana: Scouts report that this year’s class of weird-looking white guys who can drain three-pointers may be the Hoosiers’ strongest yet
  • Brompton State: No one has heard of them. No one has prepared for them.
  • Gonzaga: After finishing No. 1 in the season’s final AP poll, there will be very high hopes for this team in wherever the fuck Gonzaga is
  • Wichita State: A 9-seed that plays like an 8-seed
  • Syracuse: This is a scary, scary team. Let’s not talk about them, please.
  • Marquette: Dwyane Wade is a famous alum of the No. 3 seed in the East Region, should you need a reason to root against this team
  • Kentucky: Having won the NCAA championship in 2012, there’s no reason to suspect the Wildcats won’t repeat
  • Oregon: The Ducks likely will be out of the tournament by the time you read this, but if not, they’re the team to watch
  • Louisville: The No. 1 overall seed in the tournament, so yeah, they’ve got no chance in hell

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