2013 NRA Convention Schedule Of Events

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Vol 49 Issue 18

Tuesday, May 14

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.

No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

2013 NRA Convention Schedule Of Events

The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend. Here are the scheduled events:

FRIDAY, May 3

  • 12 p.m.: Welcoming introduction video from President Obama
  • 12:30 p.m.: Security forced to hold back squealing teenage girls in attendance as Wayne LaPierre takes stage
  • 12:35 p.m.: Quick joke about how everyone in attendance must have passed a background check to warm up the crowd
  • 1 p.m.: Most unconscionable words you could ever imagine met with enthusiastic cheers from thousands of people
  • 3 p.m.: Remembrance of the victims of Sandy Hook with an extended moment of loud, scrambling excuse-making
  • 6 p.m.: Reasoned, level-headed debate on whether the Second Amendment continues to hold relevance

SATURDAY, May 4

  • 11:40 a.m.: Man whose face and name will someday be plastered across news websites and televisions across the nation approaches convention registration table
  • 12 p.m.: Performance of “God Bless America” using guns with variously pitched discharges
  • 4 p.m.: The 46 senators who voted against last month’s defeated gun control bill collect their winnings
  • 5 p.m.: One-hour triage break to treat afternoon gun wounds
  • 6:30 p.m.: Beaten, tied-up gun control advocates Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Pat Toomey (R-PA) lowered from roof into ravenous audience
  • 8 p.m.: NRA/anti-NRA protest groups mixer

SUNDAY, May 5

  • 10 a.m.: Psychological counseling booths open to let gun enthusiasts talk out their deep-seated emotional problems
  • 11 a.m.: Kids Korner workshop featuring popular Decorate Your Own Human Silhouette Target station
  • 12 p.m.: Crowd treated to free T-shirts fired from fully automatic T-shirt cannon with high-capacity magazine
  • 1 p.m.: Intensive five-hour town hall discussion on mental health reform
  • 6:30 p.m.: Man who threatened to murder the President of the United States gives rousing speech to attendees
  • 7 p.m.: Attendees leave convention knowing they have done their duty to protect the freedom of the American people
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