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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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2013 NRA Convention Schedule Of Events

The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend. Here are the scheduled events:

FRIDAY, May 3

  • 12 p.m.: Welcoming introduction video from President Obama
  • 12:30 p.m.: Security forced to hold back squealing teenage girls in attendance as Wayne LaPierre takes stage
  • 12:35 p.m.: Quick joke about how everyone in attendance must have passed a background check to warm up the crowd
  • 1 p.m.: Most unconscionable words you could ever imagine met with enthusiastic cheers from thousands of people
  • 3 p.m.: Remembrance of the victims of Sandy Hook with an extended moment of loud, scrambling excuse-making
  • 6 p.m.: Reasoned, level-headed debate on whether the Second Amendment continues to hold relevance

SATURDAY, May 4

  • 11:40 a.m.: Man whose face and name will someday be plastered across news websites and televisions across the nation approaches convention registration table
  • 12 p.m.: Performance of “God Bless America” using guns with variously pitched discharges
  • 4 p.m.: The 46 senators who voted against last month’s defeated gun control bill collect their winnings
  • 5 p.m.: One-hour triage break to treat afternoon gun wounds
  • 6:30 p.m.: Beaten, tied-up gun control advocates Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Pat Toomey (R-PA) lowered from roof into ravenous audience
  • 8 p.m.: NRA/anti-NRA protest groups mixer

SUNDAY, May 5

  • 10 a.m.: Psychological counseling booths open to let gun enthusiasts talk out their deep-seated emotional problems
  • 11 a.m.: Kids Korner workshop featuring popular Decorate Your Own Human Silhouette Target station
  • 12 p.m.: Crowd treated to free T-shirts fired from fully automatic T-shirt cannon with high-capacity magazine
  • 1 p.m.: Intensive five-hour town hall discussion on mental health reform
  • 6:30 p.m.: Man who threatened to murder the President of the United States gives rousing speech to attendees
  • 7 p.m.: Attendees leave convention knowing they have done their duty to protect the freedom of the American people
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