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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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2013 NRA Convention Schedule Of Events

The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend. Here are the scheduled events:

FRIDAY, May 3

  • 12 p.m.: Welcoming introduction video from President Obama
  • 12:30 p.m.: Security forced to hold back squealing teenage girls in attendance as Wayne LaPierre takes stage
  • 12:35 p.m.: Quick joke about how everyone in attendance must have passed a background check to warm up the crowd
  • 1 p.m.: Most unconscionable words you could ever imagine met with enthusiastic cheers from thousands of people
  • 3 p.m.: Remembrance of the victims of Sandy Hook with an extended moment of loud, scrambling excuse-making
  • 6 p.m.: Reasoned, level-headed debate on whether the Second Amendment continues to hold relevance

SATURDAY, May 4

  • 11:40 a.m.: Man whose face and name will someday be plastered across news websites and televisions across the nation approaches convention registration table
  • 12 p.m.: Performance of “God Bless America” using guns with variously pitched discharges
  • 4 p.m.: The 46 senators who voted against last month’s defeated gun control bill collect their winnings
  • 5 p.m.: One-hour triage break to treat afternoon gun wounds
  • 6:30 p.m.: Beaten, tied-up gun control advocates Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Pat Toomey (R-PA) lowered from roof into ravenous audience
  • 8 p.m.: NRA/anti-NRA protest groups mixer

SUNDAY, May 5

  • 10 a.m.: Psychological counseling booths open to let gun enthusiasts talk out their deep-seated emotional problems
  • 11 a.m.: Kids Korner workshop featuring popular Decorate Your Own Human Silhouette Target station
  • 12 p.m.: Crowd treated to free T-shirts fired from fully automatic T-shirt cannon with high-capacity magazine
  • 1 p.m.: Intensive five-hour town hall discussion on mental health reform
  • 6:30 p.m.: Man who threatened to murder the President of the United States gives rousing speech to attendees
  • 7 p.m.: Attendees leave convention knowing they have done their duty to protect the freedom of the American people

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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