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2013 Spring Training Highlights

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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2013 Spring Training Highlights

With baseball’s preseason heating up, Onion Sports examines the most exciting moments from the exhibition games.

  • Phillies and Yankees face off in the most well-attended game to be played in Tampa this year
  • Mariners manager Eric Wedge sighs and rubs his temples for the first time of the new season
  • Vin Scully spends the 17th of his 21 final days on Earth calling yet another baseball game nobody is listening to 400 miles away from his loved ones
  • The Padres beat the Rangers 1-0 after an epic 12-inning battle that left everyone wondering why they ever considered this game interesting
  • Four innings into a Cardinals-Braves exhibition game, players from both teams simultaneously get bored and walk off field
  • Derek Jeter successfully ignores the constant shooting pains in his ankle during a game against the Cardinals
  • Cubs fan Patrick Mitchell wondered to himself how life could be any better than watching his team play while lounging in the grass on a beautiful afternoon, then realized he was in Mesa, Arizona
  • Carlos Paulino knocks home the winning run for the Pirates in a thrilling extra-innings win over the Blue Jays to cement Pittsburgh’s 11th-place spot in the March 13 Grapefruit League standings
  • Six lucky Miami Marlins fans brought onto field to fill out team’s roster

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