2014 NFL Players To Watch

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Vol 50 Issue 35

Cannibal Corpse Blasting From Papal Apartment Window

I-90 adds a lane for drivers traveling cross country to stop a woman from marrying the wrong man, a job applicant totally nails an interview with the person who will make his life a living hell for the next five years, and adjusting several sliders on a r...

NYPD Requiring Cops To Undergo Twitter Training

The New York Post reported that, following a Twitter outreach campaign that backfired horribly, the NYPD is requiring its officers to attend mandatory classes at a local college on how to use Twitter.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

2014 NFL Players To Watch

Onion Sports has the comprehensive guide to the most exciting NFL players of 2014.

  • Peyton Manning (QB, Denver Broncos): Expect Manning to quickly bounce back from the Broncos’ crushing Super Bowl defeat with several huge ad campaigns early in the season
  • Ndamukong Suh (DE, Detroit Lions): Count on Suh to put up huge numbers in NFL fines this year
  • Drew Brees (QB, New Orleans Saints): Even at 35 years old, Brees still possesses the arm strength and pinpoint accuracy to run the score up against any shitty team
  • Robert Griffin III (QB, Washington Redskins): With a new head coach in Jay Gruden, RGIII is primed to shake off a disappointing, injury-riddled 2013 season and have a disappointing, injury-riddled 2014 season
  • Calvin Johnson (WR, Detroit Lions): The Lions star receiver will continue dominating opposing defenses, with his incredible stats expected to be as futile as ever this season
  • Eli Manning (QB, New York Giants): Manning has been a standout during Giants training camp, connecting regularly with favorite target Antrel Rolle
  • Joe Flacco (QB, Baltimore Ravens): Flacco definitely has something to prove this season, as he is only five years and $99.5 million away from a contract year
  • Adrian Peterson (RB, Minnesota Vikings): Peterson remains a top back in the league and is projected to rush for over 1,400 of the 3,100 yards left in his career
  • Johnny Manziel (QB, Cleveland Browns): The former Texas A&M star has all the attributes to be a breakout distraction for the Browns in his rookie season
  • LaMarr Woodley (DE, Oakland Raiders): The former Steeler will add a strong veteran presence to the Raiders’ injured reserve list
  • Tony Romo (QB, Dallas Cowboys): Romo will be a guaranteed first-round pick in every fantasy draft held in the immediate Dallas-Fort Worth metro area
  • Mark Sanchez (QB, Philadelphia Eagles): Now a backup, expect to see Sanchez on the sidelines roughly as much as he was while starting for the Jets
  • Ray Rice (RB, Baltimore Ravens): Rice is expected to have a very poor year based on last season’s stats and the greater forces of karmic retribution
  • Richie Incognito (OG, Free Agent): The winner of the OSN’s 2014 NFL Player Of The Year Award is sure to have another stellar season
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