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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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2014 NFL Players To Watch

Onion Sports has the comprehensive guide to the most exciting NFL players of 2014.

  • Peyton Manning (QB, Denver Broncos): Expect Manning to quickly bounce back from the Broncos’ crushing Super Bowl defeat with several huge ad campaigns early in the season
  • Ndamukong Suh (DE, Detroit Lions): Count on Suh to put up huge numbers in NFL fines this year
  • Drew Brees (QB, New Orleans Saints): Even at 35 years old, Brees still possesses the arm strength and pinpoint accuracy to run the score up against any shitty team
  • Robert Griffin III (QB, Washington Redskins): With a new head coach in Jay Gruden, RGIII is primed to shake off a disappointing, injury-riddled 2013 season and have a disappointing, injury-riddled 2014 season
  • Calvin Johnson (WR, Detroit Lions): The Lions star receiver will continue dominating opposing defenses, with his incredible stats expected to be as futile as ever this season
  • Eli Manning (QB, New York Giants): Manning has been a standout during Giants training camp, connecting regularly with favorite target Antrel Rolle
  • Joe Flacco (QB, Baltimore Ravens): Flacco definitely has something to prove this season, as he is only five years and $99.5 million away from a contract year
  • Adrian Peterson (RB, Minnesota Vikings): Peterson remains a top back in the league and is projected to rush for over 1,400 of the 3,100 yards left in his career
  • Johnny Manziel (QB, Cleveland Browns): The former Texas A&M star has all the attributes to be a breakout distraction for the Browns in his rookie season
  • LaMarr Woodley (DE, Oakland Raiders): The former Steeler will add a strong veteran presence to the Raiders’ injured reserve list
  • Tony Romo (QB, Dallas Cowboys): Romo will be a guaranteed first-round pick in every fantasy draft held in the immediate Dallas-Fort Worth metro area
  • Mark Sanchez (QB, Philadelphia Eagles): Now a backup, expect to see Sanchez on the sidelines roughly as much as he was while starting for the Jets
  • Ray Rice (RB, Baltimore Ravens): Rice is expected to have a very poor year based on last season’s stats and the greater forces of karmic retribution
  • Richie Incognito (OG, Free Agent): The winner of the OSN’s 2014 NFL Player Of The Year Award is sure to have another stellar season

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