2014 NFL Players To Watch

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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2014 NFL Players To Watch

Onion Sports has the comprehensive guide to the most exciting NFL players of 2014.

  • Peyton Manning (QB, Denver Broncos): Expect Manning to quickly bounce back from the Broncos’ crushing Super Bowl defeat with several huge ad campaigns early in the season
  • Ndamukong Suh (DE, Detroit Lions): Count on Suh to put up huge numbers in NFL fines this year
  • Drew Brees (QB, New Orleans Saints): Even at 35 years old, Brees still possesses the arm strength and pinpoint accuracy to run the score up against any shitty team
  • Robert Griffin III (QB, Washington Redskins): With a new head coach in Jay Gruden, RGIII is primed to shake off a disappointing, injury-riddled 2013 season and have a disappointing, injury-riddled 2014 season
  • Calvin Johnson (WR, Detroit Lions): The Lions star receiver will continue dominating opposing defenses, with his incredible stats expected to be as futile as ever this season
  • Eli Manning (QB, New York Giants): Manning has been a standout during Giants training camp, connecting regularly with favorite target Antrel Rolle
  • Joe Flacco (QB, Baltimore Ravens): Flacco definitely has something to prove this season, as he is only five years and $99.5 million away from a contract year
  • Adrian Peterson (RB, Minnesota Vikings): Peterson remains a top back in the league and is projected to rush for over 1,400 of the 3,100 yards left in his career
  • Johnny Manziel (QB, Cleveland Browns): The former Texas A&M star has all the attributes to be a breakout distraction for the Browns in his rookie season
  • LaMarr Woodley (DE, Oakland Raiders): The former Steeler will add a strong veteran presence to the Raiders’ injured reserve list
  • Tony Romo (QB, Dallas Cowboys): Romo will be a guaranteed first-round pick in every fantasy draft held in the immediate Dallas-Fort Worth metro area
  • Mark Sanchez (QB, Philadelphia Eagles): Now a backup, expect to see Sanchez on the sidelines roughly as much as he was while starting for the Jets
  • Ray Rice (RB, Baltimore Ravens): Rice is expected to have a very poor year based on last season’s stats and the greater forces of karmic retribution
  • Richie Incognito (OG, Free Agent): The winner of the OSN’s 2014 NFL Player Of The Year Award is sure to have another stellar season


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