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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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2015 Wedding Trends

As the 2015 wedding season gets underway, couples across the country are spending more money than ever to make their ceremonies memorable and fun. Here are the most popular trends you can expect to see at weddings this year:

  • Instead of getting married inside a church, many couples are choosing to spit in their parents’ faces
  • Receptions replacing traditional wedding band with pile of instruments that guests can take turns noodling on
  • GoPro attached to priest
  • Saving money by burdening a friend with the responsibility of officiating ceremony
  • Jumbo shrimp boutonnieres
  • Oppressive patriarchal foundations of tradition of marriage obscured by quirky reception decor
  • Stenographers at each table to transcribe guests’ conversations for posterity
  • Gathering around to watch the first dance between the bride’s and groom’s fathers
  • Mason jars filled with grandmother’s ashes
  • Kiosk where guests can place bets on length of time marriage will last

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