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25 Years Of Al-Qaeda

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
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25 Years Of Al-Qaeda

Sunday marked the 25th anniversary of the founding of the global terrorist network al-Qaeda. Here are some of the milestone moments in the militant organization’s 25-year history:

  • Aug. 11, 1988: Founders Larry Wentworth and Mark Gold establish the organization and settle on a name
  • Nov. 14, 1990: Headquarters moved to Delaware for tax purposes
  • Dec. 18, 1991: Al-Qaeda pulls off the first of its trademark prankings
  • July 29, 1998: With Ayman al-Zawahiri excitedly ringing the New York Stock Exchange opening bell, al-Qaeda goes public at $18 a share
  • Mar. 3, 2002: PeopleSoft rolled out across the terrorist network to help operatives keep better track of hours and vacation time
  • Mar. 24, 2002: Al-Qaeda leaders secretly meet with Saddam Hussein in Dick Cheney’s imagination
  • July 30, 2002: Thanked in the liner notes to Bruce Springsteen’s The Rising
  • Oct. 15, 2005: Al-Qaeda’s audio/visual department spins off into an independent and highly successful media production company called Lucid Entertainment
  • Sept. 28, 2008: Forced to call off plot to destroy U.S. financial system after Americans take care of it themselves

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