Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.
NEW YORK—Saying the company has received hundreds of résumés since posting the job opening to its website earlier this week, Goldman Sachs human resources manager David Browning reported Thursday that a high-level position with the inv...
NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more ...
NEW YORK—Explaining how she was originally shown the small, out-of-the-way establishment years ago by a well-connected friend, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly took her campaign staff to a little hole-in-the-wall financial institution in lower Manhattan Tuesday that she said not many people know about.
NEW YORK—Confirming the accident occurred while transferring a new load of cash into Hillary Clinton’s campaign finance warehouse, sources reported that Hillary for America treasurer Jose Villarreal was crushed to death Friday after a stack of campaign funds toppled over onto him.
NEW YORK—Taken completely by surprise upon reading his own name in a newspaper article about the Panama Papers, billionaire Frederick Weldon revealed to reporters Thursday that he had completely forgotten he even had funds stashed in the Seychelles.
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Saying the turn of events will greatly benefit the 17-year-old’s economic security, sources confirmed Friday that local high school senior Emily Harrison’s failure to get into the University of Southern California, a private academic institution, will be the single most financially responsible act of her entire life.
WASHINGTON—Saying his department had been considering the measure for several years, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced official plans Tuesday to remove a gross, grime-covered penny from circulation.
LAFAYETTE, LA—Calling the situation pitiful and completely embarrassing, sources confirmed Friday that pathetic excuse for a man Pete Atkins is paid the exact same wage as his coworker and fellow claims adjuster Melanie Hall, who is a woman.
Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders
WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.
CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.”
NEW YORK—Explaining that he wanted to lay the groundwork with a quick check-in to “see how they were doing,” local 24-year-old Grant Talbot reportedly made a phone call to his parents Friday so his call next week asking for money wouldn’t seem that bad.
NEW YORK—Grasping for any way to halt the Democratic candidate’s momentum, a coalition of wealthy donors reportedly pumped millions of dollars into Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign this week in a last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility.
NEW YORK—Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case.
NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes.
WASHINGTON—Saying such infrastructure improvements were necessary to ensure citizens could continue to pass safely over the nation’s dangerous river rapids and precipitous chasms, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx called for $200 billion in funding Wednesday to repair the country’s rickety wooden bridges.
WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.
WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
NEW YORK—Hailing the phenomenon as a genuine economic miracle, droves of investors and financial professionals continued flocking to the Charging Bull statue in Lower Manhattan this week to see the tears reportedly flowing from its eyes.
CHICAGO—After remarking upon the frigid temperatures and blustery conditions during his walk into work this morning, Michael Halloran, an adjunct professor of communications and media studies, expressed hope Wednesday that one of his students would leave behind a pair of warm gloves.
WASHINGTON—Describing the precaution as a financially prudent decision for all households, a panel of the nation’s top economists recommended Wednesday that Americans set aside money from each paycheck so they will be ready in the event Dire Straits reunites for a tour.
WASHINGTON—Describing the behavior as an extremely reliable source of consumer spending, a report released Thursday by the Department of Commerce confirmed that the nation’s retailers earn $5 billion annually from women coming in from the street in order to get away from harassment.
DENVER—Noting that many areas are completely unrecognizable compared to when they first moved in years ago, residents of 1102 Larimer Street Apartment 2B told reporters Thursday they’ve begun to worry their well-paid roommate is slowly gentrifying the apartment.
LANSING, MI—Having watched with mounting excitement as the pallid, sniffling man made his way toward her register from the pharmacy section, local CVS cashier Hannah Everson told reporters Thursday she was overjoyed at the prospect of accepting a $20 bill from a customer purchasing three different kinds of cough medicine.
WASHINGTON—Calmly stating that they would not even need to think twice about doing so, the nation’s wealthiest individuals ominously reminded the populace during a press conference Wednesday that they could easily drop another $10 billion on the 2016 election.
BALTIMORE—After an exhaustive review of financial records from the present back to the cuneiform ledgers of ancient Mesopotamia, economists at Johns Hopkins University released a report Wednesday indicating that human civilization is still many years away from turning a profit.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!