44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree

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Vol 40 Issue 51

Son Loved More Than Football, Less Than Playoff Football

ALLENTOWN, PA—Diehard Eagles fan Bill Ferris said Monday that he loves his 12-year-old son Rex more than football, excepting the thrilling playoff games, of course. "When I tell you I love my son more than football, you better believe I'm saying something important," said Ferris, a 38-year-old accountant. "I wouldn't think of missing Rex playing a shepherd in the church nativity scene this Sunday. That's because the Eagles clinched the NFC East, and probably home-field advantage, too." Ferris said he has yet to form a plan for next month, when a playoff game overlaps with his son's band concert.

Actor Receives $25 Million For Everyman Role

HOLLYWOOD—Tom Hanks will reunite with director Steven Spielberg in Dreamworks' Payne's Pride, in which he will play the part of everyman John Hamilton Payne and receive $25 million for his efforts. "Tom is a man of the people," Spielberg said. "America loves him because he seems so approachable, and that's exactly what I told him last weekend over some Merlot from his vineyards." Spielberg added that Hanks is always a joy to work with because "he can really nail 'down to earth.'"

Secretary Cracks Under Administration Of Third Raspberry Margarita

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Wintrust Financial secretary Kerry Jorgenson finally succumbed to coworker Charlotte Franze's interrogation after the administration of a third raspberry margarita at Champ's Dugout Monday. "No, Helen wasn't really sick last week—she and her husband are in counseling," a tipsy Jorgenson told Franze after slurping up the last few drops of her Razzmatazz. "And Jeffrey in tech support? Queer as a $3 bill. He and his 'roommate' are taking a trip to Florence together." Coworkers announced plans to re-administer margaritas at some point in the future, to coax Jorgenson into confirming their suspicions that their supervisor Jack Doogan gets Botox injections.

Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden

CHICAGO—Ever since being mugged by a black man, 28-year-old Caucasian Mark Weisner has become a racist, friends reported Monday. "I used to be more trusting, but I learned my lesson the hard way in October," Weisner said, alluding to the mugging. "Now I'm a lot more cautious around certain types, if you know what I mean." Weisner added that he has "no problem with Asian Americans."

Recalled Holiday Toys

The U.S Consumer Product Safety Comission recently released its annual list of recalled toys. Which items should parents avoid buying?

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

Last week, jurors recommended that Scott Peterson be sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci. What do you think?

Privacy Advocates Refuse To Release New Report

WASHINGTON, DC—Privacy-rights advocates from the American Privacy Rights Center refused to release a heavily researched report on the new Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act of 2004 Monday.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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