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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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50 Years Of Beatlemania

Fifty years ago Friday, the Beatles released their first single, “Love Me Do,” in the United Kingdom, touching off the global phenomenon known as Beatlemania. Here are some major milestones from the Fab Four’s legendary career:

  • Dec. 11, 1945: Only 5 years old, John Lennon writes his first original song, titled “Daddy Daddy,” and it’s fucking terrible
  • Oct. 28, 1961: Future Beatles manager Brian Epstein hears the band for the first time in a Liverpool record shop and instantly recognizes how awesome it would be to have sex with them
  • Sept. 15, 1962: Pete Best stops by real quick to pick up his snare
  • Feb. 4, 1964: An internal dispute over whose top is moppiest nearly tears the band apart
  • Mar. 11, 1967: Paul McCartney’s absentminded humming of the Bonanza theme song shoots straight to the top of the Billboard Hot 100
  • Nov. 22, 1967: A fully awake Paul McCartney is forced to deny rumors he is sleeping
  • Feb. 2, 1968: The Beatles visit Moscow, where they are heavily influenced by the teachings of the Russian Orthodox Church and incorporate more balalaika into their recordings
  • Jan. 30, 1969: From the rooftop of their record label’s headquarters, the Beatles perform together for the last time in front of dozens of passersby who watch in horror as band members topple off the building one by one
  • Aug. 8, 1969: After several dozen attempts, the photographer finally gets a shot of the Beatles crossing Abbey Road without Ringo looking directly into the camera
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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