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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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50 Years Of James Bond

British secret agent James Bond made his first appearance in American theaters 50 years ago Wednesday in Dr. No. Here are some of the most memorable moments of 007’s half century on the silver screen:

  • 1964: After cast and crew discover actress Shirley Eaton in her trailer dead and covered in gold paint, they decide to work it into the script and just go with it
  • 1966: Bond puts too much detergent in the washing machine, turning his bachelor pad into one big, soapy mess
  • 1967: Joey Heatherton makes her Bond debut as Swedish double agent Blood-Engorged Clitoris
  • 1969: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service becomes the first Bond film to employ a gun as a weapon, as opposed to the crossbows used exclusively in the first five films
  • 1977: The latest movie opens with an innovative credits sequence featuring dancing silhouettes and the film’s title projected onto the naked body of Roger Moore
  • 1979: Q shows Bond his latest invention, The Wacky Wobbler
  • 1985: Bond travels the world as security for Duran Duran
  • 2006: Daniel Craig is cast as 007 after being the only one to show up to audition
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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