WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.
GALVESTON, TX—Amid a spate of public health warnings this week regarding the infectious disease’s devastating effects on fetal development, the Zika virus reportedly joined a lack of paid maternity leave and unaffordable child care as reasons why local woman Shannon Kemp is afraid of becoming pregnant.
Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:
SIMSBURY, CT—Saying they wanted their daughter to follow her passions, the parents of 8-year-old Kaylee Maxwell told reporters Monday that they strongly encourage all of her interests that are within a 15-minute drive.
The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting
BOSTON—Noting his short outbursts of laughter as he charged across the house, sources confirmed Saturday that pajama-clad 5-year-old Lucas Mason made a turbulent rampage through a dinner party hosted by his parents.
DENVER—Breathing heavily and leaning against the wall for support as beads of sweat formed on her forehead, local mother Cynthia Applin struggled to lower her heart rate Monday as she came down from the high of having all three of her adult children under the same roof, sources reported.
BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child
MAPLE GROVE, MN—Noting her obsessive desire for acquiring wealth and physical possessions, local sources confirmed Friday that materialistic single mother of three Jillian Ferguson is constantly thinking about money.
ANAHEIM, CA—As a reward for following directions the best of all his classmates, local first-grader Daniel Reinhart received a sticker Friday recognizing his good behavior during a lockdown drill at Paul Revere Elementary School.
It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.
HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.
MADISON, CT—After several warnings to stop his fidgeting and keep quiet during the town’s 9/11 memorial service, 6-year-old Caleb Goetz was sternly reminded by his mother that today is a sad day, sources confirmed this morning.
With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.
SARATOGA, NY—Completely embarrassing himself in front of dozens of visitors to the park as well as his fellow riders, pathetic 4-year-old Jeremy Tufts reportedly needed his father to stand right next to him on the merry-go-round platform for the entire duration of the ride Wednesday.
‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents
WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.
WASHINGTON—In a unified message coming from thousands of backyards, living rooms, parks, and playgrounds, 11-year-olds across the country announced Friday that it’s the fourth quarter with time winding down in the Super Bowl.
SHREVEPORT, LA—Saying the sense of equality and self-worth wouldn’t last much longer, local 5-year-old Jake Williams told reporters Tuesday that she was enjoying the final few weeks before the achievement gap between her and children at better-funded schools really kicked in.
WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.
NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.
NEW YORK—Expressing concerns over dwindling resources and the preservation of the environment for future generations, an adult male American cockroach was reportedly worried Thursday about what kind of kitchen cupboard he was leaving to his children.
Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health
WASHINGTON—Slowly shifting from side to side while strategically placing a pillow to provide lower back support, pregnant women across the nation announced Monday the long-awaited discovery of a comfortable sitting position.
LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.
ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others.
BAY LAKE, FL—Citing the 75 percent increase in ticket prices over the past decade, a report published Thursday by consumer research firm McGann & Associates found that the rising cost of admission to Walt Disney World is prompting more parents to leave their children at home when visiting the popular resort.
NEW YORK—After reviewing the job candidate’s impressive educational background, research experience, and work history, hiring managers at Geneventis Pharmaceuticals reportedly flat-out asked female applicant Caitlyn Heard today about how much mileage they can get out of her before she has a baby.
Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.
NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal.
WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday.
GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.
WASHINGTON—Saying that in most places they are piled up 5 or 6 feet high, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that every one of the country’s ditches is currently overflowing with the children of worried parents.
MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.
POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect.
WASHINGTON—Revealing an increase in nontraditional family structures, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that more American children are being raised by carjackers who didn’t realize there was someone in the backseat.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Saying the terrifying scenario plays out in a typical mother or father’s mind several times per day, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University revealed that losing a child in a high-stakes underground poker tournament remains Americans’ biggest parenting fear.
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Hoping to gain some insight from his incredible wealth of knowledge and experience, younger Minnesota Vikings players told reporters Friday that they have been picking running back Adrian Peterson’s brain during minicamp for helpful parenting advice.
NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.
MINNEAPOLIS—Saying she was glad to finally be able to apply her psychiatric training, local child therapist Pamela Thornton expressed her excitement to reporters Friday at the prospect of seeing a patient with actual psychological issues.
FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.
HAMILTON, OH—Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School.
PORTAGE, IN—Saying it barely counted as an abduction at all, officials from the Portage Police Department assured residents that a reported kidnapping Tuesday morning was just one of those custody-related ones.
NEW YORK—Nervously checking his watch and glancing around the desolate underground parking garage in anticipation, The Today Show host Matt Lauer was reportedly waiting for an anonymous source with inside knowledge of the latest parenting trends during the early morning hours Thursday.
COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child.
HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle.
VILLANOVA, PA—Confirming that it is the single most frequent thought on fathers’ minds, a study released Monday by researchers at Villanova University found that the average dad thinks about sealing in meat’s juices between four and five hours per day.
LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child.
As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:
BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son.
UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.
ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.
ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.
PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.
ALAMEDA, CA—Thinking back on the moments that brought him the most joy in his life, local 13-year-old Adam Poole reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon reminiscing about several of his fondest memories, all of which were instances when his father was trying to make up for something.
WICHITA, KS—Searching for something to take his attention off the uncomfortable domestic dispute occurring just a few feet away, a local 6-month-old fetus reportedly decided Monday to pretend he couldn’t hear the loud argument coming from the other side of the uterine wall.
MONROEVILLE, PA—Listing off a litany of structural and technological flaws, the nation’s leading aerospace engineers issued a stern warning Thursday that local 6-year-old Bradley Koenig’s design for a spaceship is entirely unsafe.
SEATTLE—Describing it as an increasingly popular option for those seeking to start a family, a report released Wednesday by the University of Washington found that a growing number of couples are choosing to use a surrogate to have and raise their b...
KATONAH, NY—Catching sight of a bathrobe-clad figure tiptoeing around the kitchen as he awoke on the nearby living room floor, early-rising slumber party guest Caleb Robbins, 9, confirmed Sunday that he had been granted an exclusive look at his frie...
ROCKFORD, IL—Patting down his onesie with mounting concern, local 8-month-old Joshua McManus was reportedly overcome by a sharp, sinking feeling Monday upon realizing he had left home without his oversize multicolor plastic keys.
RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.
MIDDLETON, WI—Spending the first 15 minutes of class providing an overview of the game’s litany of complicated rules, local ninth-grade gym teacher Marcus Hartwell invented an elaborate sport Friday using just foam cubes, scooters, and plastic...
As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.
KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try and pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity...
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—As they each attempted to avoid the responsibility while still upholding the appearance of selfless concern, the three adult siblings of the MacIntyre family engaged in a tense game of chicken to decide which of them would care for ...
GILBERT, AZ—Saying they couldn’t bear to see their boy upset, unhappy local couple Denise and Peter Gale resolved to stay together for the sake of one of their children, 7-year-old Daniel, sources reported Monday.
DENVER—Expressing their sympathy for the difficult and humiliating situation he was currently enduring, passengers seated in Terminal B of Denver International Airport told reporters Friday how sorry they felt for a flustered toddler who was traveli...
BUFFALO, NY—Providing sufficient time for him to strategize and make necessary preparations ahead of his son Brendan’s arrival, area father Thomas Glidewell reportedly received a highly sensitive communiqué Thursday providing advance in...
MERIDIAN, ID—Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch.
BEDFORD, VA—Admitting she had not had any real alone time in years, local mother Terri Pope told reporters Tuesday that she could have used a few more days to herself before being reunited with her missing daughter, Allison.
WEST ALLIS, WI—Forcefully asserting that two-hand touch football is “for girls,” reports out of Greenfield Park confirmed Monday that a small but aggressive faction of seventh-graders are staunchly in favor of playing tackle.
After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, a...
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia, the majority of American mothers would be willing to drop off their small children at a warehouse with the words “Fun Zone” spray-p...
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
ALBANY, GA—Explaining that she felt relaxed and had a renewed sense of focus, local account manager Kayla Eggert told reporters Monday that she had returned to work from her recent vacation completely refreshed and ready to waste time.
PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.
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8-Month-Old Sick Of Staring At Pooh's Smug Face All Day