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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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A History Of Head Injuries In Sports

The NFL is joining other sanctioning bodies in researching methods of preventing head injuries after studies revealed players have been suffering more frequent and more severe concussions in recent years. Onion Sports lists some sporting milestones in head safety:

1925: The facemask is added to leather football helmets as a response to the Decatur Staleys' unstoppable "punch in the face" defensive technique

1963: The NFL begins research on impact-resistant composite materials in an effort to devise a helmet that Mike Ditka will not eat

1967: After a rash of head injuries, the NHL increases required helmet thickness from 3/8 of an inch to 3/9 of an inch

1968: John Olerud born wearing batting helmet

1975: In a setback for safety in sports, Evel Knievel successfully campaigns in favor of injuries in general

1992: The NFL breathes a sigh of relief as it is discovered that Dennis Byrd of the New York Jets is paralyzed not by a preventable head injury but by a completely unpreventable spinal injury

1996: Baseball cringes as signs of head trauma become obvious in one of its star players when Atlanta Braves outfielder David Justice divorces Halle Berry

2001: Plagued by terrible ratings and low attendance, the XFL tries to figure out how to give more players concussions

2005: Following the tragic death of Dale Earnhardt, NASCAR mandates the use of full-face helmets after studies show they offer more advertising space

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