A History Of Head Injuries In Sports

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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A History Of Head Injuries In Sports

The NFL is joining other sanctioning bodies in researching methods of preventing head injuries after studies revealed players have been suffering more frequent and more severe concussions in recent years. Onion Sports lists some sporting milestones in head safety:

1925: The facemask is added to leather football helmets as a response to the Decatur Staleys' unstoppable "punch in the face" defensive technique

1963: The NFL begins research on impact-resistant composite materials in an effort to devise a helmet that Mike Ditka will not eat

1967: After a rash of head injuries, the NHL increases required helmet thickness from 3/8 of an inch to 3/9 of an inch

1968: John Olerud born wearing batting helmet

1975: In a setback for safety in sports, Evel Knievel successfully campaigns in favor of injuries in general

1992: The NFL breathes a sigh of relief as it is discovered that Dennis Byrd of the New York Jets is paralyzed not by a preventable head injury but by a completely unpreventable spinal injury

1996: Baseball cringes as signs of head trauma become obvious in one of its star players when Atlanta Braves outfielder David Justice divorces Halle Berry

2001: Plagued by terrible ratings and low attendance, the XFL tries to figure out how to give more players concussions

2005: Following the tragic death of Dale Earnhardt, NASCAR mandates the use of full-face helmets after studies show they offer more advertising space


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