adBlockCheck

A History Of Lance Armstrong's Doping Allegations

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

A History Of Lance Armstrong's Doping Allegations

Lance Armstrong is fending off accusations by former teammates that he doped himself during his cycling career. Of course, it’s hardly the first time suspicion has been leveled against him:

  • 1978: At age 7, Lance Armstrong leaves the local bike shop with his first bicycle and track mark
  • 1982: During a long, serious discussion with his parents, Armstrong admits to holding a marijuana pipe for a friend but says he doesn’t know where the 14 bottles of Dianabol came from
  • 1984: After winning his first triathlon, Armstrong celebrates by letting out several primal screams, ripping the trophy in half, and punching a hole through a nearby brick wall
  • 1992: Though Armstrong finishes his first Olympic race in 14th place, judges are skeptical as to how he was able to do it after pedaling just once
  • 1999-2005: Wins seven consecutive Tours de France by soundly beating hundreds of the world's top cyclists, every single one of whom has since tested positive for stupendous amounts of performance-enhancing drugs
  • 2007: LanceArmstrong.com accidentally posts an article about Lance Armstrong taking steroids
  • 2009: Armstrong's comeback clouded by accusations of career-long drug use, as well as the fine mist of EPO emitted from his sweat glands, ears, and tear ducts
  • 2011: Armstrong still beloved by the American public because the word "doping," not "steroids," is usually used in news stories, and they don't know what that is

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close