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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A History Of Lance Armstrong's Doping Allegations

Lance Armstrong is fending off accusations by former teammates that he doped himself during his cycling career. Of course, it’s hardly the first time suspicion has been leveled against him:

  • 1978: At age 7, Lance Armstrong leaves the local bike shop with his first bicycle and track mark
  • 1982: During a long, serious discussion with his parents, Armstrong admits to holding a marijuana pipe for a friend but says he doesn’t know where the 14 bottles of Dianabol came from
  • 1984: After winning his first triathlon, Armstrong celebrates by letting out several primal screams, ripping the trophy in half, and punching a hole through a nearby brick wall
  • 1992: Though Armstrong finishes his first Olympic race in 14th place, judges are skeptical as to how he was able to do it after pedaling just once
  • 1999-2005: Wins seven consecutive Tours de France by soundly beating hundreds of the world's top cyclists, every single one of whom has since tested positive for stupendous amounts of performance-enhancing drugs
  • 2007: LanceArmstrong.com accidentally posts an article about Lance Armstrong taking steroids
  • 2009: Armstrong's comeback clouded by accusations of career-long drug use, as well as the fine mist of EPO emitted from his sweat glands, ears, and tear ducts
  • 2011: Armstrong still beloved by the American public because the word "doping," not "steroids," is usually used in news stories, and they don't know what that is

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