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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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A History Of Lance Armstrong's Doping Allegations

Lance Armstrong is fending off accusations by former teammates that he doped himself during his cycling career. Of course, it’s hardly the first time suspicion has been leveled against him:

  • 1978: At age 7, Lance Armstrong leaves the local bike shop with his first bicycle and track mark
  • 1982: During a long, serious discussion with his parents, Armstrong admits to holding a marijuana pipe for a friend but says he doesn’t know where the 14 bottles of Dianabol came from
  • 1984: After winning his first triathlon, Armstrong celebrates by letting out several primal screams, ripping the trophy in half, and punching a hole through a nearby brick wall
  • 1992: Though Armstrong finishes his first Olympic race in 14th place, judges are skeptical as to how he was able to do it after pedaling just once
  • 1999-2005: Wins seven consecutive Tours de France by soundly beating hundreds of the world's top cyclists, every single one of whom has since tested positive for stupendous amounts of performance-enhancing drugs
  • 2007: LanceArmstrong.com accidentally posts an article about Lance Armstrong taking steroids
  • 2009: Armstrong's comeback clouded by accusations of career-long drug use, as well as the fine mist of EPO emitted from his sweat glands, ears, and tear ducts
  • 2011: Armstrong still beloved by the American public because the word "doping," not "steroids," is usually used in news stories, and they don't know what that is

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