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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A History Of Ohio State's Rules Violations

Buckeyes head football coach Jim Tressel resigned last week following a cash-for-memorabilia scandal, but it's not the first time Ohio State has run afoul of the NCAA.

  • 1978: While not the standard sort of rules violation, a team's head coach punching an opposing player in the neck probably deserves to be lumped in with the rest of its lowlights
  • 1983: Maurice Clarett born from womb provided to him by shady athletic boosters
  • 1991: For each outstanding play they make, players receive helmet stickers that can be redeemed for $10 gift certificates at local businesses
  • 2003: Following its 2002 championship season, OSU avoids an NCAA investigation into rumored incidents of cheating and rules violations by firing their head cheating coach, two of their four assistant cheating coaches, and their Director of Rules Violations
  • 2004: Ohio State overreaches in its attempt to show compliance with academic standards when DB Ashton Youboty is named dean of the Comparative Literature Department
  • 2005: Team failed to promote an atmosphere of compliance and honesty during a week-three fake field goal attempt
  • 2010: Coach Jim Tressel points in the opposite direction when investigators run up to him and ask, "Which way did the players who were accused of selling team memorabilia go?"
  • 2011: Tressel leaves school proud he beat Michigan in the severity of NCAA violations

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