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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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A History Of Ohio State's Rules Violations

Buckeyes head football coach Jim Tressel resigned last week following a cash-for-memorabilia scandal, but it's not the first time Ohio State has run afoul of the NCAA.

  • 1978: While not the standard sort of rules violation, a team's head coach punching an opposing player in the neck probably deserves to be lumped in with the rest of its lowlights
  • 1983: Maurice Clarett born from womb provided to him by shady athletic boosters
  • 1991: For each outstanding play they make, players receive helmet stickers that can be redeemed for $10 gift certificates at local businesses
  • 2003: Following its 2002 championship season, OSU avoids an NCAA investigation into rumored incidents of cheating and rules violations by firing their head cheating coach, two of their four assistant cheating coaches, and their Director of Rules Violations
  • 2004: Ohio State overreaches in its attempt to show compliance with academic standards when DB Ashton Youboty is named dean of the Comparative Literature Department
  • 2005: Team failed to promote an atmosphere of compliance and honesty during a week-three fake field goal attempt
  • 2010: Coach Jim Tressel points in the opposite direction when investigators run up to him and ask, "Which way did the players who were accused of selling team memorabilia go?"
  • 2011: Tressel leaves school proud he beat Michigan in the severity of NCAA violations

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