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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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A Look At The Class Of 2018

Next week, millions of freshmen will begin classes at colleges around the nation. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the incoming class of 2018:

  • Admitted students at colleges across America have a collective SAT score of 9.8 trillion
  • 12 freshmen could pretty much write their ticket anywhere because they’re from Alaska
  • Students for whom this will be first time out of direct eyesight of parents: 85%
  • Weirdos who’ve never seen snow before: 27%
  • Number of times student will claim to eat ramen over college career: 5,000
  • Number of times student will actually eat ramen over college career: 26
  • Incoming students who will encounter a quad for the very first time: 98%
  • Amount of money students are projected to spend on professor’s “Optional, But Recommended Texts” over their four years in college: $0
  • The class of 2018 sports 99.989 percent fewer middy blouses, gaiters, and homburg hats than the class of 1918
  • Students who won’t bother saying goodbye to their stepdad before leaving: 37%
  • Average age of the mysterious older woman who sits in on several freshman classes: 62 years old
  • Average amount of student debt that will seem totally fictional until 2019: $43,000
  • Primary reason for attending college: Going to be somebody, not grease monkey like old man

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