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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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A Look At The Class Of 2018

Next week, millions of freshmen will begin classes at colleges around the nation. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the incoming class of 2018:

  • Admitted students at colleges across America have a collective SAT score of 9.8 trillion
  • 12 freshmen could pretty much write their ticket anywhere because they’re from Alaska
  • Students for whom this will be first time out of direct eyesight of parents: 85%
  • Weirdos who’ve never seen snow before: 27%
  • Number of times student will claim to eat ramen over college career: 5,000
  • Number of times student will actually eat ramen over college career: 26
  • Incoming students who will encounter a quad for the very first time: 98%
  • Amount of money students are projected to spend on professor’s “Optional, But Recommended Texts” over their four years in college: $0
  • The class of 2018 sports 99.989 percent fewer middy blouses, gaiters, and homburg hats than the class of 1918
  • Students who won’t bother saying goodbye to their stepdad before leaving: 37%
  • Average age of the mysterious older woman who sits in on several freshman classes: 62 years old
  • Average amount of student debt that will seem totally fictional until 2019: $43,000
  • Primary reason for attending college: Going to be somebody, not grease monkey like old man

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