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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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A-Rod's Career Lowlights

1975: Born

1995: Sees Judge Dredd in the theaters for the third time in one week and keeps talking about what a great movie it is

1997: Befriends Ken Griffey, Jr. for the sole purpose of stealing his wife and winning the affection of Griffey's three children

1998: Thinks two-error game is as bad as things will get

1999: Meets Jose Canseco

2000: Surprisingly, signing a $252 million dollar contract turns out to be a mistake

2001: Cuts back slightly on steroid use after hitting 934-foot home run

2003: Stops taking steroids when he realizes that this is a good time to say he stopped taking steroids

2008: Leaves the All-Star Game early to cheat on his wife and take steroids

2008: During seventh-inning stretch of critical home game, A-Rod bites into third base while Madonna fucks him from behind with strap-on dildo

2009: Decides to leave his house

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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