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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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A-Rod's Career Lowlights

1975: Born

1995: Sees Judge Dredd in the theaters for the third time in one week and keeps talking about what a great movie it is

1997: Befriends Ken Griffey, Jr. for the sole purpose of stealing his wife and winning the affection of Griffey's three children

1998: Thinks two-error game is as bad as things will get

1999: Meets Jose Canseco

2000: Surprisingly, signing a $252 million dollar contract turns out to be a mistake

2001: Cuts back slightly on steroid use after hitting 934-foot home run

2003: Stops taking steroids when he realizes that this is a good time to say he stopped taking steroids

2008: Leaves the All-Star Game early to cheat on his wife and take steroids

2008: During seventh-inning stretch of critical home game, A-Rod bites into third base while Madonna fucks him from behind with strap-on dildo

2009: Decides to leave his house

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