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Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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A Troubled Sheen

After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab at home so he could continue shooting Two And A Half Men. Here is a timeline of other incidents that led him to this point:

  • 1980: Befriends Rob and Chad Lowe
  • 1986: Stars in Platoon and begins lifelong practice of smoking hash out of an M-16 rifle barrel
  • 1991: In a missed sign that something might be wrong, an especially frenetic Sheen films all of his scenes for Hot Shots! in one night
  • 1995–1998:  Sheen accepts a series of roles indicative of someone whose judgment has been severely impaired
  • 2003–2010: Sheen somehow wears cargo shorts for the better part of a decade without anyone even once checking the pockets
  • 2006: Becomes advocate for 9/11 truth movement and is forced to take more and more drugs to keep up with those weirdos
  • 2007: Realizes he hates self
  • 2009: A physically exhausted Sheen turns to stimulants to cope with the grueling number of double takes and eyebrow raises required for his role in Two And A Half Men
  • 2010: CBS implores Sheen to keep doing whatever the hell he wants, but with at least the tiniest goddamn bit of discretion

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