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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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A Troubled Sheen

After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab at home so he could continue shooting Two And A Half Men. Here is a timeline of other incidents that led him to this point:

  • 1980: Befriends Rob and Chad Lowe
  • 1986: Stars in Platoon and begins lifelong practice of smoking hash out of an M-16 rifle barrel
  • 1991: In a missed sign that something might be wrong, an especially frenetic Sheen films all of his scenes for Hot Shots! in one night
  • 1995–1998:  Sheen accepts a series of roles indicative of someone whose judgment has been severely impaired
  • 2003–2010: Sheen somehow wears cargo shorts for the better part of a decade without anyone even once checking the pockets
  • 2006: Becomes advocate for 9/11 truth movement and is forced to take more and more drugs to keep up with those weirdos
  • 2007: Realizes he hates self
  • 2009: A physically exhausted Sheen turns to stimulants to cope with the grueling number of double takes and eyebrow raises required for his role in Two And A Half Men
  • 2010: CBS implores Sheen to keep doing whatever the hell he wants, but with at least the tiniest goddamn bit of discretion

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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