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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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A Troubled Sheen

After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab at home so he could continue shooting Two And A Half Men. Here is a timeline of other incidents that led him to this point:

  • 1980: Befriends Rob and Chad Lowe
  • 1986: Stars in Platoon and begins lifelong practice of smoking hash out of an M-16 rifle barrel
  • 1991: In a missed sign that something might be wrong, an especially frenetic Sheen films all of his scenes for Hot Shots! in one night
  • 1995–1998:  Sheen accepts a series of roles indicative of someone whose judgment has been severely impaired
  • 2003–2010: Sheen somehow wears cargo shorts for the better part of a decade without anyone even once checking the pockets
  • 2006: Becomes advocate for 9/11 truth movement and is forced to take more and more drugs to keep up with those weirdos
  • 2007: Realizes he hates self
  • 2009: A physically exhausted Sheen turns to stimulants to cope with the grueling number of double takes and eyebrow raises required for his role in Two And A Half Men
  • 2010: CBS implores Sheen to keep doing whatever the hell he wants, but with at least the tiniest goddamn bit of discretion
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